People: life with them and without them

This has been a challenging semester. It's been hard to be present here at JMU when I know my time here is ending so soon. I've spent a lot less time with people, and a lot more of my time alone.

Here's what I've been learning about life, people, and community.

I came to JMU after a rough four years of high school, and I was doing my life and my faith all on my own. I didn't want anybody else to get close to me, and I wanted to have control over everything myself. My small group and tiny group and small group leaders opened my eyes and my heart to the incredible power and need for community and accountability, and it was awesome. I grew so much in that-- I was so encouraged by them, so strengthened by their prayers and support and their love.

This year, leading my own small group of freshmen girls, I've again seen the power and the purpose of community in my faith. I've been burned out this semester. Making time for people has seemed near impossible, and I haven't prioritized it at all. I honestly haven't had much time for people, and when I do have time, I make excuses and back out and don't make plans. But every week, meeting up with my girls has made my heart happy. Seeing how they love each other and care for each other and are friends on their own without my co and I facilitating it is so encouraging.

People need people. Nobody is strong enough to go through life alone. I'm not strong enough to go through life alone, even though I try to be.

I've spent the last few weeks since spring break shutting everyone out and reflecting and processing things on my own. It's a time of such great uncertainty and transition in my life and I didn't know how to include people in the confusion of me trying to figure it all out. Shutting the world out and shutting your heart down isn't the right way to do anything. It isn't productive or constructive at all.

Getting lunch with my small group leader this week reminded me how much I really really need people. Why this is something that is so hard for me to really grasp, I'll never know. But it was such a good time of conversation. Such a valuable time of verbally processing what's been happening in my head and my heart, and hearing encouraging and loving feedback in response. Letting your heart be seen by another person is so rewarding, so humbling, and so freeing.

Note to myself: Rachel. Hello. People want to be in your life. Let them be. Cherish the time you have with people face-to-face.

And here's something else I've been realizing about community. At JMU, IV is a wonderful community. We stress it so much. Small groups are the heart of IV, and we're good at them. We're good at fostering groups that love each other and love God and seek to learn and grow together.

Newsflash. IV small groups don't exist in the real world. IV doesn't exist in the real world after graduation.

Yes, there are churches and groups to be a part of and accountability partners and all of that. But I think so many people put the life of their faith on small groups and large group. I took several weeks on my own, away from my small group and not going to large group, because I needed my faith to be my faith apart from those things.

People thought I was being a bad Christian, a bad small group member, a bad leader, a bad person. And at first, I felt like I was failing in all of those roles. But I soon realized that I wasn't failing. I was making my faith my own. I was focusing on my relationship with God outside of the groups of people that I'm a part of.

And that's a good thing.

If my faith only thrives because I'm going to small group and going to large group, what kind of faith is that? Yeah, it goes against the flow to remove yourself from those things. But sometimes, it's necessary. It doesn't mean you've failed. There's such a standard that we put on ourselves as IV members or leaders, and I don't like it, to be honest.

Let's be genuine lovers of Christ. Let's be genuine followers of where the Spirit is leading. Let's be genuine believers and disciples and children of God. If that means looking different than the rest of the world (or even the rest of the IV community), let's embrace that. God is doing something different in every heart. We aren't supposed to all look the same.

Yes, we need people. Yes, we need community. Yes, we need accountability. But even Jesus took time away from the hectic chaos and away from the crowds and even away from his closest friends and followers and his disciples. He knew time with his Father in silence and solitude was beautiful and necessary. He modeled this for us so clearly.

Just skim through the book of Matthew (for example). Look at every story of Jesus teaching or performing miracles. Look at the repetition at the beginning of so many of the passages. "Jesus withdrew." "Jesus went from there." "Jesus withdrew to a solitary place." "He went up on a mountainside by himself to pray." It goes on and on.

Withdrawing, being alone, finding solitude, praying in silence...it's important. Jesus showed us that time and time again. He needed time alone with his Father to be able to face the demands of the people. He loved being with them, he loved teaching them and healing them and pouring into them. But he needed to be alone at times, too.

Thank you, Jesus, for showing us that it's okay, and that it's GOOD, to spend time away from the craziness of life. Let us rest at Your feet just as much as we are out in the world on our feet.

Shutting everyone out and shutting down isn't what Jesus did. Yes, it's what I did for the past few weeks. But more and more, I've been realizing what I need in my life.

Balance.

I need people, and I need community. I need to spend time sharing my life with others, and hearing their stories too. I need vulnerability and accountability and closeness. And I need to make the time I have at JMU with all these wonderful people count.

And I need solitude. I need time alone.  God knows my introverted spirit needs time by myself to recharge. I need time alone with my Father, time alone in prayer, in silence, in reflection, in worship.

I need time in the awesome IV community I have here at JMU, and I also need time apart from it. It won't last forever, and the transition to the real world is coming soon. But I'm here now, and I want to be fully here now-- with people, and alone.

Adventure-seeker.

I want to go on adventures. It's been so constant on my mind lately and it's coming from a place so deeply rooted within me that I just can't shake it.

I want to explore. I want to get out of the bubble I know I live in and see what's around me. I don't want to spend my last few months in this little college town just sitting around wasting my days away-- I want to be out there seeing what I can see and doing all that I can do.

I want to take risks and take chances and try new things and not be afraid of what could happen. I want to step into the unknown and embrace it and grow.

I want to be challenged and stretched beyond where I've become comfortable. I want to think in ways I've never thought and seek to find answers and truth I can wholeheartedly believe in.

I want to let go of my control and give up the reins and just trust.

I want to embrace the new, embrace the change, and be excited about it all.

I'm ready, let's adventure.





i want to be a feather in the wind—free and easy, blowing breezy. i want to be a burst of light, a vivid midsummer explosion. i want to be a steady burning flame on a crisp autumn night, calm and strong. i want to be a bird’s sweet melody, echoing earth’s constant harmony. i want to be the cool dusty scent of rain—new life, no old dirt. i want to be the fiery sunset sky’s streaks, bold and beautiful. i want to be the stillness of an ink black night, the scattered glittering subtle stars. i want to be the new buds, the life bursting from once-closed leaf cocoons. i want to be.

Reading through Romans: Chapters 1-part of 3

I've started going through Romans in little chunks in my quiet times. It's a book I know is full of power and conviction and bold truths, and I know I love it, so I really wanted to study it more deeply and thoroughly. Here's what I've been learning so far:

Romans 1:1-17- Introduction and the righteousness of God

• Paul was called to be "set apart" and to be an apostle for the gospel of God. He was commissioned by Christ and called by His grace. The past month, the whole theme of "calling" has been hitting me over and over again. I've made a commitment to follow wherever the Lord calls me, and Paul did too. It's made this book a lot more relevant to me in where I'm at in life right now. We are all called to be servants and apostles and spreaders of the gospel of God in our lives.
• Verse 7 says "Grace and peace to you from God our Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ." It's easy to skip over those little verses of blessings- they're all throughout the Bible. I actually read the notes on this one in my Bible though, and it's a lot more significant than I had realized. It combines the traditional Greek and Hebrew greetings, but connects them clearly to the only source of true grace (God's unmerited favor) and peace (total well-being and security that God provides). Pretty cool.
• Verse 12 states Paul's desire to "be mutually encouraged by each other's faith." This resonated with me especially now as a small group leader. My role is to lead them and minister to them, but they always challenge me and encourage me in my faith and minister to me in return in how they share and grow and are involved in our small group and in our Bible studies. Faith isn't meant to be lived alone- we need support and community and accountability and mutual encouragement.

Romans 1:18-32- The unrighteousness of all people: Gentiles

• Verse 21 says "For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened." Verse 25 says "They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator- who is forever praised." Powerful verses, and sadly, so true for so much of our society. So often, the created is worshiped and held in higher importance than the Creator. Most Americans, especially, know of God, but don't glorify Him or give thanks to Him as they should. I know I'm included in that group- it's the battle of our hearts as we live in this world but strive to not be of it, even when it seems easier to just live in the ways of the world. These verses were convicting for me- I want to wholeheartedly glorify Him, give praise to Him, and serve Him as Lord.

Romans 2:1-3:8- The unrighteousness of all people: Jews

Verses that stood out to me:

• "God's kindness is intended to lead you to repentance." -2:4
• "You, then, who teach others, do you not teach yourself?" -2:21
• "But if our unrighteousness brings out God's righteousness more clearly, what shall we say?" -3:5

My rambling thoughts as I read through this passage:

• We have no place or right to judge others because we are guilty of sin just as much. We judge others and somehow think God won't judge us in return. God's patience and kindness with us is not Him giving us the okay to keep doing what we're doing- it's Him giving us a chance to repent of what we've been doing. Eternal life will be given to those who persistently do good in seeking glory, honor, and immortality. Those good works are an overflow of genuine faith being lived out- not what creates faith. God is ultimately concerned with our hearts and not our bodies being circumcised or not. The true sign of belonging to God is not an outward mark on your body (circumcision) but a regenerating power of the Holy Spirit within (circumcision of the heart). If our hearts are seeking Him and obeying His laws, we will be declared righteous. Our current sinful state of unrighteousness and sin illuminates His perfect righteousness even more, which should stir our hearts and call us to repent and turn our hearts away from darkness and into His light.

Stay tuned as I continue through Romans! Read along and share your thoughts with me if you want, I'd love to hear other thoughts and perspectives!

Four days of solitude

It has been building up in me for a while: a need for solitude. A need for aloneness. A need to disconnect. A need to then reconnect.

Wednesday night, I decided to take the leap. I called Kyle and tried (and probably failed) to explain why I needed to cut off all communication with him for a while. I logged out of Facebook and Twitter on my phone and my laptop and turned the self-control app on for as long as it would let me. I cancelled lunch and dinner dates and didn't schedule any new ones. I didn't make any plans. I was going to do this all or nothing.

It might sound petty or stupid or like a really dramatic and unnecessary idea, but I knew I needed it. I knew the Spirit was leading me to just take a step back from things that had been consuming my time and energy so I could focus on what He was doing in my heart. So, I trusted, and I did it.

It was NOT easy. Let me tell you. I'm an introvert, and I always love my alone time. This time, though, being alone with myself meant really being focused on my heart and my emotions and what God was speaking into me, and it was intimidating. I didn't have distractions of checking Twitter or texting Kyle or just being absorbed in my phone. I really just had myself and God and a lot of thoughts in my head, and it was a little scary.

Thursday I was reluctant. I lingered where people were. I stayed in the kitchen with my housemates instead of just going to my room and being alone. I didn't know if I wanted to know what I was going learn from this time. I was just so hesitant to really embrace this period of time.
Thursday I was refreshed. I noticed little things around me. I looked at the faces of people I passed instead of looking at my phone like usual. I looked at the sky and the ground and I just observed. It was refreshing to not have to worry about keeping connected with other people.
Thursday I was present.
Thursday I was really, truly, alone. I shut everything and everyone out. I made a new playlist of calming worship songs that I love. I lit all the candles in my room. I listened. I wrote. I sat. I thought. I prayed. I cried. I worshipped. I wondered. I struggled. I wrestled.

Friday I was reminded. It was a beautiful morning, and I was so overwhelmed by God's love for me. I saw it in everything around me. I felt a real, tangible sense of a beautiful and powerful love that only my Abba could provide. I was so content, so at peace, so rested.
Friday I was craving. The words of 1 Peter 2:2 kept ringing in my ears- I was like that newborn baby, CRAVING more. I had tasted the pure goodness of my Father and I was so hungry for more. I was so engaged and tuned in to what the Spirit was pouring into me, and I wanted so much more. I was so encouraged.

Saturday I was uplifted. Spending the whole day with my family was wonderful. It was a day full of fun adventures- farmers markets and book fairs and football games and meals. It was fun and simple and easy and just perfect. Being with them reminds me of everything I am. They have always known me  and always loved me. I'm the realest form of myself when I'm with them, and it always refreshes me and encourages me. They're my best friends and favorite people in this whole world, and they just make my heart happy.
Saturday I was content. I've learned a lot. I've struggled. I've grown. I've been so reminded of the basics, of what's important, of what my Father says I am, of how He loves me perfectly. I needed time away from things, but I'm so ready to step forward and re-engage with people and my passions in a more confident and committed way. No more apathy for this girl. I feel so refreshed and restored and ready for what He has ahead of me.

Having to depend so fully on the Word and my time with the Lord over the past few days because there was nothing else to turn to reminded me that He truly is the giver of life as it's meant to be lived. Apart from him, I'll never feel fulfilled or alive or restored. I'm restless until I rest in Him, and that has never been more true than now. Resting in Him restored me in ways I didn't know I needed restoration. And it feels good. Really good. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Abba.

Be Thou My Vision

Life has been moving at an insane speed since I last posted. I got home from London, Kyle visited for two weeks, I moved back to Harrisonburg and into the Dugout, I started training to be a freshman small group leader with IV, classes started, I went back to work, my health got significantly worse and no doctors have found answers, etc.

Here I am though, still trusting that God is good and sovereign amidst the craziness of my busy life, and still failing and needing His grace more and more.

Things I need to remember:
1. He is good, He is glorious, He is full of grace.
2. I'm nothing without Him.
3. The girls I'm leading are girls He loves fully and completely and deeply, and they are His creation. Nothing I do matters more than that. Loving them like He does is my goal.
4. My flesh may fail (and it most definitely is), but His spirit is so strong in me. My weaknesses let me rely more fully on His all sufficient strength.
5. I need to take one thing at a time and present all my concerns and fears and worries constantly to my Father in prayer. I don't need to get overwhelmed by my busy schedule and growing to-do list.

I've been constantly reminding myself of the words to the beautiful hymn "Be Thou My Vision"...

By thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
Be Thou my wisdom, and Thou my true word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I thy true son,
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.
Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise;
Thou mine inheritance, now and always;
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my treasure Thou art.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
may I reach Heaven's joys, O bright Heaven's sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

An end and a beginning

Today, I wrote on the last page of my journal. I started this one on January 29 of this year, and it's now full on July 2. It's full of prayers, the aches of my heart, the joys of my spirit, the daily goings-on of my life, and it's full of God's faithfulness.

They're words on a page. It's a simple journal. It's lined pages with black ink.

But it's more. It's God showing up, time and time again, in every season, in every fickle mood of my soul. It's answered prayers and ones that are still at work. It's not just my story- it's His. It's life alongside the Creator of life, my tiny steps attempting to follow the bigger footprints of the One who is leading me through my days.

It's my small group going through Ephesians and being radically transformed and brought to life "because of his great love," "by grace," "to show incomparable riches," "to do good works." It's prayer requests of the girls who weren't just a small group, but my family and my community. It's worry about upcoming knee surgeries and struggles through the pain of rehabilitation and healing. It's prayers for those in my life who don't know You. It's large group messages and teachings from those wiser than I. It's wrapping my head around what Sabbath truly means- to pray, and to play. It's living Sabbaths out every week and seeing God meet me in those days when I focused solely on Him. It's a verse a day, diving in to the truths of God's word and what it means in my life. It's confusion. It's doubt. It's realizing I have a story. It's reflections on trips back to Arizona and all that came with that wonderful week. It's Hope Church and messages that challenge and encourage me and open my eyes. It's surrender. It's leading small group and experiencing the challenge and joy of teaching the Word. It's Draw Near and daily quiet times alongside hundreds of other believers. It's learning how to love my family better. It's Easter and celebrating new life and that beautiful exchange. It's understanding the roles of husbands and wives and what women and men were created to be in godly relationships. It's learning I would be a small group leader and finding God's calling for me in that. It's trusting. It's grasping the "richness of true life and freedom from this life." It's listing who my Abba says I am and letting those sweet promises wash over me. It's looking back at how God was faithful to my small group's vision of growing in identity and intimacy. It's Chapter Camp and deepening my understanding of the book of Mark and how to lead. It's the start of a new relationship and thanking God for all that it brought to my life. It's coming to London. It's love for this city and a passion for its people. It's learning how to be patient and extend grace more freely. It's learning humility. It's being broken and being revived.  And it's not over yet.

Here's to the next journal, to the next days and weeks and months of God at work in me, and pages that tell the story of His power and grace and love.

Here and now and looking ahead

Freshman year. 2010. It was a gross rainy day, and I moved in to my first dorm room in McGraw Long Hall here at JMU.

End of sophomore year. 2012. It was a cold rainy day, and I moved out of my last dorm room in Huffman Hall.

It's funny how things like that repeat themselves, but it's even more comforting to know that  God is working it all out perfectly, orchestrating things in the magnificent way that only He can. It always comes back to Him, it comes back to His will and His way.

So much has changed in these past two years living on campus and going to classes and being involved in InterVarsity, I can't even express it all. As this year comes to a close, we're all reflecting a lot on where we are now and where we came from and what's still yet to come, and it's honestly just blowing my mind.

God is so real. He's so perfect and glorious and incredible, He sees the whole big picture yet works in the details, He loves me when I fight against Him and when I seek Him with everything. I can't even comprehend how much I've changed since my first day of college, and how none of it was because of me at all, but all because He loves me and never gives up on me.

I was broken. Now I'm being restored in Him.
I was lost. Now I'm found in Him.
I wanted control. Now I surrender more freely.
I was seeking. Now I'm finding.
I was empty. Now I'm full of life and the One who gives it.
I was wandering. Now I'm walking in trust and faith alongside my Creator.
I was alone. Now I'm surrounded by a family of sisters in Christ that blow my mind daily.
I was unsure. Now I stand in confidence that He has plans for me.

God never stops working. He will never just think I'm good enough and there's no more to be done. He will never give up on me, no matter how many times I fail and stumble and fall down on my face. He never stops changing me and growing me and opening my eyes to more of who He is and what that means for who I am. It's been two years of more growth and maturation than I ever could have imagined, and there will only be more until He calls me home. And I'm seriously STOKED about that! My God is so good and all I am or do is for His glory.

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." -Psalm 9:10

soledad and sabbath.

Back in high school, someone introduced me to this huge, open field behind a neighborhood that was always quiet, surrounded by trees, and full of wildflowers and bugs and wild grasses. We called it Soledad, which means "solitude" in Spanish.

I hardly ever think about that place anymore, but what I miss about it is the overwhelming sense of peace and relaxation that it provided me. I loved just going there to sit and think and just wonder. The name was so fitting for that place- solitude is defined as "the state or situation of being alone", or "a lonely or uninhabited place".

This weekend, all my suitemates went home, and I was alone in the suite. For the first time in a long time, I was completely alone for quite a while, and I really went through quite a range of emotions because of it.

At first, I didn't like it. I felt agitated. I felt the need to call all my best friends and just talk about nothing, just so I wouldn't feel like I was by myself. I felt anxious, thinking every noise was something about to get me. But then time went on, and I started to feel a whole new sense of calm. I was able to truly relax, without any interruptions or distractions or anyone else's thoughts or words crowding in on my own. I was able to just be myself with no fear of anyone else watching or noticing.

What struck me most about those hours of solitude and being alone, was how I eventually didn't feel alone at all. There weren't any people around me, but I wasn't alone.

Jesus is called Immanuel- God with us. We aren't ever alone, we aren't ever abandoned. And it took me being actually alone in the suite for me to really realize what that feels like. Knowing that technically, yes, I was the only one there, but I wasn't on my own, was a very comforting and calming thought.

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." -Colossians 1:17

The more I started thinking about solitude, the more I realized it has to do with keeping the Sabbath. Learning more about what having a Sabbath really means this semester at Large Group has shown me so clearly that my alone time with my Savior is so crucial. I know that I am so restless until I rest in Him. I know that I need to just be still and know that God is God despite anything in the world around me that might try to tell me otherwise.

Solitude and Sabbath go hand in hand for me. I have really come to cherish my alone time and my Sabbaths, where I can just rest in Him and find joy and peace in the completeness of the week and the promise of the plans He has prepared for me in the days ahead.

I've been learning more and more how to remember and declare the good works of God and relinquish the things ahead, as hard as that might be.

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." -Deut. 31:8

I've really been realizing that my introvert self needs and craves alone time and my quiet times with my Father and my Sabbaths spent resting in the promise and glory of all that He is. I love my times of solitude.

I don't need the wide open spaces of that grassy field to find my soledad. I've found my rest in my God.

the start of a new year.

If you've seen my Facebook or Twitter the last few days, you'll know that I'm not a fan of New Years Eve. I don't buy into all the hype and all the parties and promises of resolutions that most never keep. Yes, a new year is exciting. I guess I'm just more the type to prefer staying in and reflecting on the past year and the year to come and not getting caught up in drinking and kissing and freaking out about the ball dropping. But anway. Happy 2012, everyone! Enough with the cynical thoughts about this holiday.

On to resolutions. Everyone makes them. I make them. I constantly am setting goals for myself and making lists and seeking to improve my character and grow more as a person and as a follower of Christ, and this time of year is no different. It is a new year, and with that, comes new opportunities for growth, and I embrace that wholeheartedly.

Here are my goals for this year:

1. Continue reading a verse a day and seeking the truth and application for my life that can be found in the Word. Doing this with Cole and with Kenleigh will be even cooler, as I know we'll all have different perspectives and thoughts to bring to the table, and we'll all learn more through doing it together as we keep each other accountable with it.

2. Work out more. Yes, I know this is cliche. But I know that with the history of my many knee surgeries and difficulties, keeping myself on track with exercising regularly will help my strength and hopefully prevent needing more surgeries anytime soon. I love how I feel when I work out, I just need to keep myself motivated to being consistent with it and I know I'll be more confident and happier all around.

3. Blog at least once a month. I started strong and then seriously slacked off with posting regularly. I have a lot of thoughts going on in my head and getting them typed out more often will help me process my life and stretch myself beyond where I'm currently at.

4. Take chances and be bold. I want to reach beyond myself and step out of my comfort zone. The most growth comes from the things that scare me a little and call me to rely fully on Christ and trust in Him with everything. This year holds awesome opportunities and awesome adventures in Atlanta for the Passion conference, Arizona for spring break, and a summer studying abroad in London. I want to embrace these fully and experience everything God has in store for me in the upcoming months.

5. Love more. I want to humbly, patiently, boldly, unashamedly, consistently LOVE. It's not going to be easy, there are going to be people that I just want to write off and forget about, but God didn't just write me off, He loved me and gave everything for me. If the Creator of the world did that for little old me, I can definitely love the people He brings into my life.

So those are my goals for this year. They'll change and shift with time, but I know that there's power in defining them and putting them in words that I can look back on and hold myself to.

"'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who belives." -Mark 9:23


Happy 2012, and know that all your resolutions, goals, hopes, and dreams are possible if you believe in the Creator of this world and the Giver of life.

a verse a day.

Getting away from the craziness of school and just being at home with nothing much to do always brings about a lot of time to think and reflect on where my life is at and where I'm headed.

This semester was one unlike those of freshman year. JMU was familiar territory, I knew everyone I was living with, I was already involved in things around campus, I had my same job, it was all things I had seen and done before. I came in to the semester fired up after an amazing summer and so much personal growth, but that feeling faded with time.

I got to this point of just feeling so stuck in every area of my life. Everything was fine, but nothing was really pushing me to be more or do more. I had no real motivation or inspiration.

Meeting with various friends and mentors, I started realizing a lot about the situation that I was in. Vianne and I came up with several analogies that described it all perfectly. After I dumped my sad story on her, she had such insightful advice to offer me.

She said that until this current point in my life, I've always been on the defensive, trying to overcome big obstacles that were in my path. Moving from Arizona to Richmond during high school, dealing with drama with friends, getting out of a bad relationship, trying to find a good church family, struggling with my health and my body, etc. There was always a very big, very tangible thing that I needed to work through, and in doing so, I would make progress and grow and learn a lot and take steps forward.

But where I'm at now, there are no real obstacles in my way. I've worked through all the big things in my past, I've gone through counseling to learn how to deal with my struggles, I've found groups I belong to that hold me accountable. I'm at this place in my life where I need to be on the offensive. There's nothing in my way, it's just up to me to take steps into the unknown and to step out in faith that God will lead me and guide me through it.

Once she said this, I realized a different analogy that was just as true. It's like I had been in this desert, suffering in the heat, exhausted and defeated. There's a fresh spring of cool water just up ahead of where I'm laying. I see it, I know it's there, I know it offers me comfort and joy and can bring me back to life, but I'm too lazy and unmotivated to move towards it.

I've had a rough journey, I'm finally over everything, but I'm just choosing to stand still instead of make an effort to move forward into the life God is offering me.

Realizing where I was at wasn't easy, and it wasn't pleasant. I kept mulling over everything we had talked about, angry at myself for being so lukewarm and so complacent, yet not quite angry enough to still do anything about it. I felt like since I had identified where I was it, that was enough progress for now. I still wasn't feeling any desire to move.

And then I met with Katie Gill. She's seen me at my weakest and lowest points and cared for me and supported me through one of the biggest adventures of my life. I told her what Vianne and I had talked about and explained that I was feeling stuck in my faith, and she asked me straight up why I hadn't done anything about it. It was exactly the push I needed to move out of where I'd been and make the move I'd been resisting for so long.

Had she and I met a few weeks earlier, I wouldn't have taken it the same way, but I was ready and just needed someone to challenge me and wake me up. She told me how she had made a promise with God to read a verse a day and reflect on it. It didn't seem like much as she was talking about it, but I figured that was good. I hadn't been doing anything in my quiet times with God, so a verse a day was something I could handle, and I decided it would be a good place to start from.

And so, the verse a day pact with God began. I knew after talking to Katie that this had to be something I committed to God first and foremost.

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." -Proverbs 16:3

I knew myself well enough to know that on my own, I would fail soon after I started. So I talked to God about it, I wrote it down, and I started in Psalms.

"Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck." -Psalms 69:1

I decided not to go straight through a book, but to instead skip around, getting in to all areas of the Bible, even books I had never read before.

And I found God there, waiting for me with open arms and no judgment.

In just a few lines a day, I began realizing God was tugging at my heart and vying for my attention in ways I hadn't really been aware of before. Every verse seemed to tell me the same thing- follow Christ with your whole heart, and you will find life. There is no life apart from Him.

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." -Colossians 1:17


"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." -1 Corinthians 15:58


"When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." -John 8:12


"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." -Psalms 119:105


Just one verse every day, and I'm discovering God in a whole new way. His truths abound in His word, there is application for my life in every verse, and He is always with us. Reading through these verses during the Christmas season has been even richer, as the promise that He is Immanuel, God with us, is even more beautiful and real with the world rejoicing in the birth of our Savior.

I'm moving forward. I'm sick of being lukewarm, and I'm trusting God that He has plans for my future, even though I can't see them or control them. I know that Love is here. I know that God is with me. I know that by committing my plan to the Lord, He will be present and He will open my eyes to pieces of His glory every day. I know when I show up, He shows up in mighty ways.

I never knew that one tiny verse a day would bring such big growth.

the status of my heart.

Being back at JMU makes my heart so happy. Everywhere I go, there's beauty. Sunsets behind the tiers of foggy mountains, big old trees towering over the sunny quad, Wilson Hall standing proudly at one end, seeming so regal and prestigious. There's no shortage of gorgeous places around Harrisonburg.

There also is no shortage of awesome people. Walking through campus, there is just this sense of community that you can't escape, nor do I think you'd ever even want to. I know I belong here, I know this is home, I know these people are my family.

Anyway, enough about my love for JMU. I could go on for days.

I just finished reading "Desire" by John Eldredge. Not totally sure I'm obsessed with everything in this book, but there were several good points made that really stuck in my head and got me thinking. The whole topic of "desire" is something that is extremely relevant in this stage of my life, and something that I think culture views in a very different way than Jesus intended. I do recommend reading this book, if for no other reason than to provoke some interesting introspection into your own heart's desires.

There is a quote in the first chapter that I underlined and starred, and it really resonates with me.

"To desire is to open our hearts to the possibility of pain; to shut down our hearts is to die altogether."
-John Eldredge, "Desire"


Since being back at JMU, this whole idea of guarding my heart has been really prevalent. I'm a control freak, I'll admit that readily. Being vulnerable with my heart has never been something I've enjoyed, and I've always struggled with it a lot. It seems to always follow a pattern: I grow close to people. I slowly start to open up, let them in, share my heart. Something happens, trust is broken, and I'm left feeling exposed and foolish for ever letting my guard down.

"Because of its vulnerable nature, desire begins to feel like our worst enemy."

-John Eldredge, "Desire"

This book, and recent events in my life, have reminded me that having desires and passions and feelings comes hand in hand with the risk that pain might follow. On the contrary though, if I just shut everyone out and lock my heart up to the world, no growth or life will ever come from it.

"God is a deeply, profoundly passionate person. Zeal consumes him... In other words, his profound desire for something greater sustained him at the moment of his deepest trial. We cannot hope to live like him without a similar depth of passion."

-John Eldredge, "Desire"

If seeking to live like God is my goal, living a passionate, zealous life is necessary. It's not a bad thing that I care so much, that I feel things so deeply, that I love intensely. But there needs to be a balance between total zealous passion and total exposed vulnerability while seeking after the desires God has placed on my heart, and I'm still trying to figure out exactly what that looks like in the reality of my life.

"To live with desire is to choose vulnerability over self-protection; to admit our desire and seek help beyond ourselves is even more vulnerable. It is an act of trust."

-John Eldredge, "Desire"

My goal for this year is focused on the heart:

Learning to trust that while things in my life seem big, God is bigger. Learning how to guard my heart yet let people in without a fear of vulnerability destroying me. Learning how to have humility and hold back instead of being quick to speak and quick to anger. Learning how to passionately live for Christ and seek after the desires He has set into my heart.

the fourth of july.

Today is the Fourth of July, a holiday that celebrates American independence and is all about patriotism and pride. I'm an American, yes, but I'm not one to have an extremely patriotic spirit. I think there's way more significance to this day day than is culturally common to celebrate. Hear me out on this.


I love a lot of things about this country. From the Redwood forests to Death Valley to Yosemite to Sedona to Virginia Beach to the Grand Canyon to the Shenandoah Valley to everything else in between, this land is gorgeous and breathtakingly awesome. But none of those incredible places were created by Americans. They were created by God, the one and only Creator. 


I love the people of this country, too. The diversity and beauty of Americans is so cool to me. And they were formed by God as well. I love our freedom to worship this amazing God and the fact that I can sing and shout praises whenever I please with no fear of what might happen as a result. 


Basically, here is what I've realized: Everything that I love about America, I actually love about God and what He has done in and for America.


The things I love best about this country are all the things that are directly from God, and I'd much rather celebrate Him and His glory than just the United States. This country won't last forever, but the One that made it will.


I personally want to make today my celebration in appreciation of all the awesome things our Lord is doing in this nation. I don't want today to be just a day for us to ask that God bless America, but a day that we as Americans bless God as well.


I'm going to take today to spend time with my family and thank God for the wonderful blessing they are to me. I'm going to spend time noticing the little things and appreciating the beauty of the world He has created for us to live in. I'm going to thank God for all of my freedoms, and for the ones that gave their lives to ensure my safety and these freedoms. I'm going to pray for the leaders of our country, that they would seek to lead our country in a way that is glorifying to Him. I'm going to make today a day about celebrating God and everything He is doing in America.


So, I guess when I said I didn't really have an extremely "patriotic" spirit, what I really meant was that I'd rather embody the fruits of the spirit and live first and foremost for Christ over living for my country. Having a heart for Christ and all of His creation creates a heart for this land and all of its people. I'm excited to celebrate in community with all Americans today and tonight, even if not everyone is celebrating the same things I am.


"You're the God of this city 
You're the King of these people 
You're the Lord of this nation 
You are 

You're the Light in this darkness 
You're the Hope to the hopeless 
You're the Peace to the restless 
You are 

There is no one like our God 
There is no one like our God 

For greater things have yet to come 
And greater things are still to be done in this city 
Greater things have yet to come 
And greater things are still to be done in this city"
-Chris Tomlin, "God of this City"


God's going to do big things in America, I fully believe that.
Happy Fourth of July, everyone.

the brevity of life

More and more during this past few weeks, I've been reminded at just how quickly life can come to an end. Even in just driving downtown every day for my job, I've seen countless accidents and even more acts of stupidity by careless drivers that very easily could have resulted in fatalities. It hits me hard every time as I think about how that isn't just a statistic of a highway accident, but a person, a beloved child or cousin or friend, somebody that won't live to see another day because they've left their earthly body. That's not a concept that sits well with me.

In my quiet times, I've been reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and the second chapter focused on this very same topic.

"On the average day, we live caught up in ourselves. On the average day, we don't consider God very much. On the average day, we forget that our life truly is a vapor." -page 39

I'm not trying to be morbid about all of this, I'm really not. I think, though, that realizing how quickly life can end makes you realize how much more life needs to be lived intentionally and meaningfully.

"The point of your life is to point to Him." -page 44

If I could leave this earth at any second, I want to make sure I'm using my time for the glory of God and not for my own pleasure. I want to be so on fire for Him so that when I'm gone, they'll remember that above anything else. I want to be serving, worshipping, praising, glorifying, and loving Him and His people with my time and my talents while I'm alive on this Earth. I don't want to spend my days concerned with myself, stressing over little things, worrying about tomorrow, and hiding my true Christ-given identity.

It breaks my heart that so many people don't realize the importance of life and of the One who gives it until death happens. It shouldn't have to take tragedies for us to realize that life is precious and our time here isn't endless, but a lot of times, that is what it takes. For me, it's just an insane call to action to know that my life truly is a vapor. I know that God has plans for me, plans to prosper me, not to harm me; plans to give me a hope and a future. I want to live my life, how ever long or short it may be, following His will for my life, making every day a humble reflection of the glory and love of the Giver of life.