People: life with them and without them

This has been a challenging semester. It's been hard to be present here at JMU when I know my time here is ending so soon. I've spent a lot less time with people, and a lot more of my time alone.

Here's what I've been learning about life, people, and community.

I came to JMU after a rough four years of high school, and I was doing my life and my faith all on my own. I didn't want anybody else to get close to me, and I wanted to have control over everything myself. My small group and tiny group and small group leaders opened my eyes and my heart to the incredible power and need for community and accountability, and it was awesome. I grew so much in that-- I was so encouraged by them, so strengthened by their prayers and support and their love.

This year, leading my own small group of freshmen girls, I've again seen the power and the purpose of community in my faith. I've been burned out this semester. Making time for people has seemed near impossible, and I haven't prioritized it at all. I honestly haven't had much time for people, and when I do have time, I make excuses and back out and don't make plans. But every week, meeting up with my girls has made my heart happy. Seeing how they love each other and care for each other and are friends on their own without my co and I facilitating it is so encouraging.

People need people. Nobody is strong enough to go through life alone. I'm not strong enough to go through life alone, even though I try to be.

I've spent the last few weeks since spring break shutting everyone out and reflecting and processing things on my own. It's a time of such great uncertainty and transition in my life and I didn't know how to include people in the confusion of me trying to figure it all out. Shutting the world out and shutting your heart down isn't the right way to do anything. It isn't productive or constructive at all.

Getting lunch with my small group leader this week reminded me how much I really really need people. Why this is something that is so hard for me to really grasp, I'll never know. But it was such a good time of conversation. Such a valuable time of verbally processing what's been happening in my head and my heart, and hearing encouraging and loving feedback in response. Letting your heart be seen by another person is so rewarding, so humbling, and so freeing.

Note to myself: Rachel. Hello. People want to be in your life. Let them be. Cherish the time you have with people face-to-face.

And here's something else I've been realizing about community. At JMU, IV is a wonderful community. We stress it so much. Small groups are the heart of IV, and we're good at them. We're good at fostering groups that love each other and love God and seek to learn and grow together.

Newsflash. IV small groups don't exist in the real world. IV doesn't exist in the real world after graduation.

Yes, there are churches and groups to be a part of and accountability partners and all of that. But I think so many people put the life of their faith on small groups and large group. I took several weeks on my own, away from my small group and not going to large group, because I needed my faith to be my faith apart from those things.

People thought I was being a bad Christian, a bad small group member, a bad leader, a bad person. And at first, I felt like I was failing in all of those roles. But I soon realized that I wasn't failing. I was making my faith my own. I was focusing on my relationship with God outside of the groups of people that I'm a part of.

And that's a good thing.

If my faith only thrives because I'm going to small group and going to large group, what kind of faith is that? Yeah, it goes against the flow to remove yourself from those things. But sometimes, it's necessary. It doesn't mean you've failed. There's such a standard that we put on ourselves as IV members or leaders, and I don't like it, to be honest.

Let's be genuine lovers of Christ. Let's be genuine followers of where the Spirit is leading. Let's be genuine believers and disciples and children of God. If that means looking different than the rest of the world (or even the rest of the IV community), let's embrace that. God is doing something different in every heart. We aren't supposed to all look the same.

Yes, we need people. Yes, we need community. Yes, we need accountability. But even Jesus took time away from the hectic chaos and away from the crowds and even away from his closest friends and followers and his disciples. He knew time with his Father in silence and solitude was beautiful and necessary. He modeled this for us so clearly.

Just skim through the book of Matthew (for example). Look at every story of Jesus teaching or performing miracles. Look at the repetition at the beginning of so many of the passages. "Jesus withdrew." "Jesus went from there." "Jesus withdrew to a solitary place." "He went up on a mountainside by himself to pray." It goes on and on.

Withdrawing, being alone, finding solitude, praying in silence...it's important. Jesus showed us that time and time again. He needed time alone with his Father to be able to face the demands of the people. He loved being with them, he loved teaching them and healing them and pouring into them. But he needed to be alone at times, too.

Thank you, Jesus, for showing us that it's okay, and that it's GOOD, to spend time away from the craziness of life. Let us rest at Your feet just as much as we are out in the world on our feet.

Shutting everyone out and shutting down isn't what Jesus did. Yes, it's what I did for the past few weeks. But more and more, I've been realizing what I need in my life.

Balance.

I need people, and I need community. I need to spend time sharing my life with others, and hearing their stories too. I need vulnerability and accountability and closeness. And I need to make the time I have at JMU with all these wonderful people count.

And I need solitude. I need time alone.  God knows my introverted spirit needs time by myself to recharge. I need time alone with my Father, time alone in prayer, in silence, in reflection, in worship.

I need time in the awesome IV community I have here at JMU, and I also need time apart from it. It won't last forever, and the transition to the real world is coming soon. But I'm here now, and I want to be fully here now-- with people, and alone.

Adventure-seeker.

I want to go on adventures. It's been so constant on my mind lately and it's coming from a place so deeply rooted within me that I just can't shake it.

I want to explore. I want to get out of the bubble I know I live in and see what's around me. I don't want to spend my last few months in this little college town just sitting around wasting my days away-- I want to be out there seeing what I can see and doing all that I can do.

I want to take risks and take chances and try new things and not be afraid of what could happen. I want to step into the unknown and embrace it and grow.

I want to be challenged and stretched beyond where I've become comfortable. I want to think in ways I've never thought and seek to find answers and truth I can wholeheartedly believe in.

I want to let go of my control and give up the reins and just trust.

I want to embrace the new, embrace the change, and be excited about it all.

I'm ready, let's adventure.





i want to be a feather in the wind—free and easy, blowing breezy. i want to be a burst of light, a vivid midsummer explosion. i want to be a steady burning flame on a crisp autumn night, calm and strong. i want to be a bird’s sweet melody, echoing earth’s constant harmony. i want to be the cool dusty scent of rain—new life, no old dirt. i want to be the fiery sunset sky’s streaks, bold and beautiful. i want to be the stillness of an ink black night, the scattered glittering subtle stars. i want to be the new buds, the life bursting from once-closed leaf cocoons. i want to be.

Second semester so far

It's my last semester at JMU...WHAT. It has definitely been a challenge to come to terms with the fact that my time at this awesome place is coming to an end so rapidly...and I've been learning so much in the process. It's been a ridiculously busy whirlwind...hence my lack of blogging.

Here's what I've been learning:

1. God is always, always, always faithful. He has blown me away this semester with His constant provision, constant love, constant presence. Even when I've run away from Him and turned my back and tried to rely on myself, He was faithful and never gave up on me. That's a love you can't find anywhere else.
2. "One of the most amazing revelations of God comes to us when we learn that it is in the everyday things of life that we realize the magnificent deity of Jesus Christ." -Oswald Chambers. The everyday things of life are where He has been blowing me away this year. With the new year, I started a Thankful journal and a 1,000 gifts journal, and I've been amazed at how my perspective has been changed. At the end of the day, there's nothing more worshipful than looking back and reflecting on how God moved and worked and was showering me with gifts to be thankful for. It's the little things that put me in such constant awe of how good my God is. (future blog posts to come on this topic! It's just too good.)
3. Change is good. Unexpected things are good. Letting go is good. Going with the flow and trusting in Him is so good.
4. There's nothing I can do to make God love me more, or to make Him love me less. All the accomplishments and successes in the world won't make me more valuable to Him, and all the failures and shortcomings won't make Him turn away from me. He created me just as I am, and living my life to bring Him glory is my sole purpose.
5. There's always more room for more love. My small group has been growing in number week by week, and it's so exciting and daunting and awesome all at once. But I've learned that there's always more space in my heart and in my busy weeks to make time for those incredible girls.
6. My future is in His hands-- I don't need to have it perfectly planned out. I don't need to know where I'm headed next. All I need to do is trust, and He will provide, and provide in abundance.

God is so good, guys. So good.

Reading through Romans: Chapters 1-part of 3

I've started going through Romans in little chunks in my quiet times. It's a book I know is full of power and conviction and bold truths, and I know I love it, so I really wanted to study it more deeply and thoroughly. Here's what I've been learning so far:

Romans 1:1-17- Introduction and the righteousness of God

• Paul was called to be "set apart" and to be an apostle for the gospel of God. He was commissioned by Christ and called by His grace. The past month, the whole theme of "calling" has been hitting me over and over again. I've made a commitment to follow wherever the Lord calls me, and Paul did too. It's made this book a lot more relevant to me in where I'm at in life right now. We are all called to be servants and apostles and spreaders of the gospel of God in our lives.
• Verse 7 says "Grace and peace to you from God our Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ." It's easy to skip over those little verses of blessings- they're all throughout the Bible. I actually read the notes on this one in my Bible though, and it's a lot more significant than I had realized. It combines the traditional Greek and Hebrew greetings, but connects them clearly to the only source of true grace (God's unmerited favor) and peace (total well-being and security that God provides). Pretty cool.
• Verse 12 states Paul's desire to "be mutually encouraged by each other's faith." This resonated with me especially now as a small group leader. My role is to lead them and minister to them, but they always challenge me and encourage me in my faith and minister to me in return in how they share and grow and are involved in our small group and in our Bible studies. Faith isn't meant to be lived alone- we need support and community and accountability and mutual encouragement.

Romans 1:18-32- The unrighteousness of all people: Gentiles

• Verse 21 says "For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened." Verse 25 says "They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator- who is forever praised." Powerful verses, and sadly, so true for so much of our society. So often, the created is worshiped and held in higher importance than the Creator. Most Americans, especially, know of God, but don't glorify Him or give thanks to Him as they should. I know I'm included in that group- it's the battle of our hearts as we live in this world but strive to not be of it, even when it seems easier to just live in the ways of the world. These verses were convicting for me- I want to wholeheartedly glorify Him, give praise to Him, and serve Him as Lord.

Romans 2:1-3:8- The unrighteousness of all people: Jews

Verses that stood out to me:

• "God's kindness is intended to lead you to repentance." -2:4
• "You, then, who teach others, do you not teach yourself?" -2:21
• "But if our unrighteousness brings out God's righteousness more clearly, what shall we say?" -3:5

My rambling thoughts as I read through this passage:

• We have no place or right to judge others because we are guilty of sin just as much. We judge others and somehow think God won't judge us in return. God's patience and kindness with us is not Him giving us the okay to keep doing what we're doing- it's Him giving us a chance to repent of what we've been doing. Eternal life will be given to those who persistently do good in seeking glory, honor, and immortality. Those good works are an overflow of genuine faith being lived out- not what creates faith. God is ultimately concerned with our hearts and not our bodies being circumcised or not. The true sign of belonging to God is not an outward mark on your body (circumcision) but a regenerating power of the Holy Spirit within (circumcision of the heart). If our hearts are seeking Him and obeying His laws, we will be declared righteous. Our current sinful state of unrighteousness and sin illuminates His perfect righteousness even more, which should stir our hearts and call us to repent and turn our hearts away from darkness and into His light.

Stay tuned as I continue through Romans! Read along and share your thoughts with me if you want, I'd love to hear other thoughts and perspectives!

Be Thou My Vision

Life has been moving at an insane speed since I last posted. I got home from London, Kyle visited for two weeks, I moved back to Harrisonburg and into the Dugout, I started training to be a freshman small group leader with IV, classes started, I went back to work, my health got significantly worse and no doctors have found answers, etc.

Here I am though, still trusting that God is good and sovereign amidst the craziness of my busy life, and still failing and needing His grace more and more.

Things I need to remember:
1. He is good, He is glorious, He is full of grace.
2. I'm nothing without Him.
3. The girls I'm leading are girls He loves fully and completely and deeply, and they are His creation. Nothing I do matters more than that. Loving them like He does is my goal.
4. My flesh may fail (and it most definitely is), but His spirit is so strong in me. My weaknesses let me rely more fully on His all sufficient strength.
5. I need to take one thing at a time and present all my concerns and fears and worries constantly to my Father in prayer. I don't need to get overwhelmed by my busy schedule and growing to-do list.

I've been constantly reminding myself of the words to the beautiful hymn "Be Thou My Vision"...

By thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
Be Thou my wisdom, and Thou my true word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I thy true son,
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.
Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise;
Thou mine inheritance, now and always;
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my treasure Thou art.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
may I reach Heaven's joys, O bright Heaven's sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

An end and a beginning

Today, I wrote on the last page of my journal. I started this one on January 29 of this year, and it's now full on July 2. It's full of prayers, the aches of my heart, the joys of my spirit, the daily goings-on of my life, and it's full of God's faithfulness.

They're words on a page. It's a simple journal. It's lined pages with black ink.

But it's more. It's God showing up, time and time again, in every season, in every fickle mood of my soul. It's answered prayers and ones that are still at work. It's not just my story- it's His. It's life alongside the Creator of life, my tiny steps attempting to follow the bigger footprints of the One who is leading me through my days.

It's my small group going through Ephesians and being radically transformed and brought to life "because of his great love," "by grace," "to show incomparable riches," "to do good works." It's prayer requests of the girls who weren't just a small group, but my family and my community. It's worry about upcoming knee surgeries and struggles through the pain of rehabilitation and healing. It's prayers for those in my life who don't know You. It's large group messages and teachings from those wiser than I. It's wrapping my head around what Sabbath truly means- to pray, and to play. It's living Sabbaths out every week and seeing God meet me in those days when I focused solely on Him. It's a verse a day, diving in to the truths of God's word and what it means in my life. It's confusion. It's doubt. It's realizing I have a story. It's reflections on trips back to Arizona and all that came with that wonderful week. It's Hope Church and messages that challenge and encourage me and open my eyes. It's surrender. It's leading small group and experiencing the challenge and joy of teaching the Word. It's Draw Near and daily quiet times alongside hundreds of other believers. It's learning how to love my family better. It's Easter and celebrating new life and that beautiful exchange. It's understanding the roles of husbands and wives and what women and men were created to be in godly relationships. It's learning I would be a small group leader and finding God's calling for me in that. It's trusting. It's grasping the "richness of true life and freedom from this life." It's listing who my Abba says I am and letting those sweet promises wash over me. It's looking back at how God was faithful to my small group's vision of growing in identity and intimacy. It's Chapter Camp and deepening my understanding of the book of Mark and how to lead. It's the start of a new relationship and thanking God for all that it brought to my life. It's coming to London. It's love for this city and a passion for its people. It's learning how to be patient and extend grace more freely. It's learning humility. It's being broken and being revived.  And it's not over yet.

Here's to the next journal, to the next days and weeks and months of God at work in me, and pages that tell the story of His power and grace and love.

Worship on the train to Scotland

I see You in the rolling fields of green in countless shades and shadows, in the deeply rooted trees spread wide and far. You are abounding in grace and love sheltering over Your people and Your creation. You are beauty beyond any I could ever see. The waves breaking on rocky shores to shower the land in mist are nothing in comparison to Your strength and majesty. The sky, endless and limitless, is a tiny detail in the realm of Your splendor.

How can I love You, Lord? I am so sinful, so broken, so far from who You are. How can my heart make anything You would see worth in? How can I love You as You, my King, should be loved and adored? I fall on my face before You. I am humbled by all that You are and all that You have created. Your work is perfect and complete. You made the earth, and it is so so good.

Abba, I see You all around me. I know You are here, I know Your spirit is at work in me, shaping and molding me and refining me in every way. You are good, You are good, You are good. I bow at Your feet, in awe of Your presence, knowing I am sinful but redeemed in Your son’s name. You died to save me, my savior Jesus. I didn’t deserve it then or now, and I will never earn it. I can’t fathom a love that deep, that mighty, that precious and pure. You are true love, Abba, in every way. You are love. I am hungry for more of Your love, more of Your life.

The beauty around me calls me and stirs me to worship all that You are. I pray that that would never go away, that You would always be moving in me to love You more. I want to be more like You, I want to see Your face in new ways every day. As Your mercies are new every glorious morning, may my love for You and for Your people and Your world grow in new ways in every situation.

Lord, I have been so selfish in how I’ve acted and treated Your children in my life. Make me so much less. Be greater in my life. Break me of who I am, and show me how to be more like You. I haven’t been reflecting You as well as I should, and I want to be a mirror. Shine Your light into me, that I may live in the light and not in the darkness. I know I’m a fallen sinner. Cleanse me in the blood of Your Son so I may know You more.

You are in the sun as it rises, and in the beauty left behind when it sets. You are in the stars, past, present, and future as they burn. They burn for You, as the fire in my heart burns for You. Ignite me with an even greater passion for Your name. Erase all that is sinful in me, and make me pure before You.

I’m Yours, in every way. Break me, make me, set me on the path You have set for me, and lead me forward. You are glorious, my awesome God. You are beautiful. I see Your face in this land around me, and I know You are beautiful. I love You, Abba Father.