An end and a beginning

Today, I wrote on the last page of my journal. I started this one on January 29 of this year, and it's now full on July 2. It's full of prayers, the aches of my heart, the joys of my spirit, the daily goings-on of my life, and it's full of God's faithfulness.

They're words on a page. It's a simple journal. It's lined pages with black ink.

But it's more. It's God showing up, time and time again, in every season, in every fickle mood of my soul. It's answered prayers and ones that are still at work. It's not just my story- it's His. It's life alongside the Creator of life, my tiny steps attempting to follow the bigger footprints of the One who is leading me through my days.

It's my small group going through Ephesians and being radically transformed and brought to life "because of his great love," "by grace," "to show incomparable riches," "to do good works." It's prayer requests of the girls who weren't just a small group, but my family and my community. It's worry about upcoming knee surgeries and struggles through the pain of rehabilitation and healing. It's prayers for those in my life who don't know You. It's large group messages and teachings from those wiser than I. It's wrapping my head around what Sabbath truly means- to pray, and to play. It's living Sabbaths out every week and seeing God meet me in those days when I focused solely on Him. It's a verse a day, diving in to the truths of God's word and what it means in my life. It's confusion. It's doubt. It's realizing I have a story. It's reflections on trips back to Arizona and all that came with that wonderful week. It's Hope Church and messages that challenge and encourage me and open my eyes. It's surrender. It's leading small group and experiencing the challenge and joy of teaching the Word. It's Draw Near and daily quiet times alongside hundreds of other believers. It's learning how to love my family better. It's Easter and celebrating new life and that beautiful exchange. It's understanding the roles of husbands and wives and what women and men were created to be in godly relationships. It's learning I would be a small group leader and finding God's calling for me in that. It's trusting. It's grasping the "richness of true life and freedom from this life." It's listing who my Abba says I am and letting those sweet promises wash over me. It's looking back at how God was faithful to my small group's vision of growing in identity and intimacy. It's Chapter Camp and deepening my understanding of the book of Mark and how to lead. It's the start of a new relationship and thanking God for all that it brought to my life. It's coming to London. It's love for this city and a passion for its people. It's learning how to be patient and extend grace more freely. It's learning humility. It's being broken and being revived.  And it's not over yet.

Here's to the next journal, to the next days and weeks and months of God at work in me, and pages that tell the story of His power and grace and love.

Define: my knee

Sometimes I feel like I'm defined by my knee. It's always the first thing people ask about, it's always on my mind and causing me pain, my life is scheduled around doctors appointments and physical therapy. Surgery last week put me back out of the normal swing of things and kept me in Richmond instead of letting me go back to JMU when everyone else did. I've spent a week on the couch, needing my family to help me with just about everything, as I can't walk or get things for myself.

I've been totally dependent, and I've learned a lot from it. I've learned how much my family loves me and how blessed I am to have parents that sacrifice so much for me and my health. They've had to miss work and listen to me cry and whine and pay crazy bills and get me water and my medicine countless times when I'm sure they didn't want to get up and get it, and they've loved me through all of it. I can't express my gratitude to them enough for all they've done for me and will continue to do for me as I continue on this healing process.

I've learned that I have seriously awesome friends. It would be really easy for people to forget about me- they're busy with their lives back in AZ or at JMU, and I'm totally out of sight. But I haven't been out of their minds and hearts, and I've felt that loud and strong from them. They've sent encouraging texts, written on my Facebook wall, checked up on me, a bunch of my best friends even drove down from JMU for the day just to hang out with me and bring me cards and goodies.  They TOTALLY did not need to make that drive just for a few hours hanging out in my family room, but it meant the world to me that they would do it just to be with me. I'm so blessed.

I've learned that when I'm weak, it makes God even more strong. I don't have to have it all together to come before Him and worship. He doesn't love me any less or view me as any less of a person of any less value, even though those thoughts love to seep in to my heart and bring me down. I'm still the daughter He created, and He still loves me as I am, completely and unconditionally. Nothing, not even this injury that won't seem to go away, will make me any less to Him. There's such humility and comfort and beauty and just peace for me in that promise.

So, I'm still healing. I'm still far from where I want to be. I know the road ahead of me is going to be so physically challenging and demanding, and I know that even at the end of the recovery from this surgery, there are probably many more ahead. But I'm choosing to stay optimistic, push myself, and know that I'm blessed and this is just a part of my story. My knee doesn't define all of who I am. It's just one part of me. The broken things don't define me. I'm focusing on the positives and the joy and how God is using this to refine me and grow me in so many new ways. I'm going to get through this and be so much stronger as a result, in more ways than one.

Unexpected airplane blessings

Never did I EVER imagine that I would make a friend on my flight today. I fully intended on getting on the plane, sticking my headphones in my ears, and falling asleep. I did fall asleep before take-off, but I didn't put my headphones in for some reason. When I woke up, the girl next to me asked about my knee brace. Usually I hate this question, it usually annoys me that it's the first thing people ask me. It didn't bother me this time though, I was perfectly  fine with talking to her about it. Turns out she had a knee injury too, so we got to talking about it.

We kept talking, about our schools and majors, and we soon found out we are both really into working for non-profit organizations. Within minutes, this girl and I had so much in common and formed a sort of friendship that I never thought I would have developed on just a flight to AZ.

Let me tell you, this girl is on FIRE for the Lord. She is doing so many awesome things at Georgetown and in her hometown of Las Vegas. We both have passion for abolishing human trafficking, and we talked about our experiences and stories for so long. We shared our testimonies and how God has been blowing our minds and leading us to so many amazing things that we never expected for ourselves. The more we talked, the more I just was so in awe of my Creator and how He works.

God works in the details. There are SO many people that could have been in that seat next to me, but it was TaJ. I could have put my headphones in and been totally unavailable for conversation, but I didn't. I could have packed my knee brace instead of worn it, and there might not have been a reason for her to strike up conversation. We could have missed the flight and not been there at all. But God orchestrated everything so flawlessly, leading to the most unexpected and beautiful blessing that is just still blowing my mind.

I'm in the Denver airport now, killing time on a layover, and I'm just sitting her still so amazed by the Lord of the Universe and all that He does. It was so reaffirming and encouraging for me to talk to her. I needed that reminder that God is at work no matter where I go, and no matter what I'm doing. I've been so focused on seeing my friends and being back in AZ that I sort of put that out of my mind a little, but God just radically reminded me that He is sovereign and in control and working all things together for my good and His glory.

Not to mention, TaJ is working to start her own non-profit and needs a graphic designer to help her out, and wants me to be the one to do it. SERIOUSLY?! God, you are INCREDIBLE. So so so good, in every way.

The coolest part of our whole conversation, even though there were many, as we have so many passions and beliefs and thoughts in common, was this one statement she made. She told me that I'm a mirror of Christ's life. That I'm mirroring how Jesus lived and loved. I was floored. First of all, what a truly beautiful and humbling compliment. To be even remotely referred to as anything like Christ is just so unbelievable as I know I'm galaxies away from anything close to Him. But the coolest part of all was that Vianne had told me the same thing several months ago. To hear the same words coming out of the mouth of a total stranger just blew me away. Vianne knows me so deeply and thoroughly, and she has seen me go through so much. TaJ just met me, and really knows very little about who I am, but she saw Jesus in me.

I just can't even wrap my head around that. I can't comprehend it. It's all Him working through me, and I'm just so humbled that He would choose me to be a vessel for furthering His kingdom.

So humbled. So honored. So blessed.

The knee update.

The road hasn't been so easy lately. Everything going on with my knee has taken a serious toll on my happiness and has really made things difficult. More and more, I'm being reminded that I'm not in control, and I just need to trust in God's timing. And more and more, I'm realizing how ridiculously hard that can be.

Knowing my surgeon appointment was coming up earlier this week, I really just had to surrender it all to Him and trust that His will would be done through my doctors. The news was different than we expected...there's a whole new problem in my knee that needs to be fixed through this upcoming surgery, totally different from what the last two surgeries were working to fix (although that problem isn't 100% either). All things considered, it really is working out very well. I don't have to cancel my trip to Arizona for spring break (YAY!) and I think I can still work out studying abroad in London this summer. But it does mean missing school and a lot of work, which is stressful. I feel really overwhelmed by the whole idea, but I know that it's what's best for my knee longterm, and I'm going to do everything I can with my work and my professors to make things work out.



"But Christ is faithful as a son over God's house. And we are his house, if we hold on to our courage and the hope of which we boast." -Hebrews 3:6

I know that He will be faithful to me and not abandon me or lead me into harm. Surgery isn't fun and it isn't easy, but I know I'm surrounded by the most incredible family and friends that will be there by my side every step of the way, loving me and supporting me. God's plans for me are plans to prosper me and not to harm me, and I'm clinging to that through all of this. I'm trying my hardest to trust in His will, and His way, always.

I'm praying for my surgeon and his wisdom to be able to help my knee in the best ways possible, and that hopefully this surgery will last longer than the last ones have. I'm praying that I would find peace and refuge in the Lord when anxiety crashes down on me and tries to steal my joy. I'm praying that God would show me how to trust him through this, love him through this, and praise him through this.