You are.

You are in the still of the night, in the cool, crisp darkness full of the chirping of crickets.
You are in the fog of every dawn, in the sweet breath of life the sunrise brings.
You are in the joyous, wide-eyed smiles of infants discovering the world minute by minute.
You are in the distance, in every mile, in every conversation.
You are in the foundations, in the cornerstone on which my hope is grounded.
You are in the changing of seasons, in the transitions and turning tides and tomorrows.
You are in the past, in the hurt and in the healing, in the hope and in the heartbreak.
You are in the moment, each unique and each an opportunity.
You are in the circle of friends coming together as a community and a family.
You are in the stillness, the silence and solitude of aloneness.
You are in the chaos, in the hectic and in the frantic and in the panic.
You are in the ancient days, in the days of creation and separation and redemption.
You are in the heavens, glorious and full of splendor.
You are in all. You were, you are, you always will be.
You are.

Finals Week

Sunday- submitted my final Writing in the Public Sphere paper to Nina via email...since my blog is already all wrapped up, THAT'S IT for that class! Just waiting for her feedback on everything and my final grades.


Monday- Media and Politics final at 10am. He had given us five essay topics during our last class session, and we had to write two of them in class. It was stressing me out to prepare for it, because I didn't know how much to research, what I needed to include, etc etc etc. It turns out that I prepared exactly how I needed to. I sat down in class to write them and completely visualized all the notes I had written out this weekend, and I breezed through writing both of them in the 90 minutes we had! I feel pretty good about them overall, I'm just nervous about his grading because he's so arbitrary with things like that. We'll see, I guess. I'm fairly sure I'll get a B in this class, but it's the only one I know I won't have an A in, so it's all good.


Tuesday- Turned my final Culture by Design paper in to Charlotte (it's due to her by 4 pm). Feeling good about that, good about that class in general! Had to go Media and Society to turn in our papers (differences between churches/faith/religion in the UK and the US and how media plays into it), and have a discussion about things we learned this semester being here. We were out of there by 10:45, and now there is absolutely nothing left that I have to do!


Aaaaannnndddd, just got an email from Nina about my final grades: A- on my exam, A on my blog, and A- in the class overall! HOORAY yayayay.


Her comments about my blog: 

 "It was such a pleasure to read your entry every week: I will really miss them! Your writing is polished, elegant, and, above, all thoughtful. I loved the way that you were able to strike such an effective balance between responding to specific questions and situating those answers within a much broader context. Keep on writing – always!"

She's awesome. And then there was this:

"Thank you for your very kind words in the final blog. This course was such a learning experience for me, and I was really anxious about how it would work in the beginning. We ended up making it up as we went along, but you made that so easy to do. You’ve impressed me over and over with your quick intelligence, thoughtfulness (this seems to be a word I keep returning to!), and curiosity. I wish you all the best. Please let me know occasionally how you are doing. And remember that you always have a room in Wimbledon! 
Enjoy the final days of your stay in London, and have a safe trip home. Nina" 

WAAAAHHH I'm going to miss that class like no other.

But, in other news, total freedom until my Saturday morning departure! What to do, what to do. I'm just ready to be back at this point. Trying to motivate myself to do things this week and stay busy, but I'm just pretty much checked out and tired. Almost done- so so crazy.

Here and now and looking ahead

Freshman year. 2010. It was a gross rainy day, and I moved in to my first dorm room in McGraw Long Hall here at JMU.

End of sophomore year. 2012. It was a cold rainy day, and I moved out of my last dorm room in Huffman Hall.

It's funny how things like that repeat themselves, but it's even more comforting to know that  God is working it all out perfectly, orchestrating things in the magnificent way that only He can. It always comes back to Him, it comes back to His will and His way.

So much has changed in these past two years living on campus and going to classes and being involved in InterVarsity, I can't even express it all. As this year comes to a close, we're all reflecting a lot on where we are now and where we came from and what's still yet to come, and it's honestly just blowing my mind.

God is so real. He's so perfect and glorious and incredible, He sees the whole big picture yet works in the details, He loves me when I fight against Him and when I seek Him with everything. I can't even comprehend how much I've changed since my first day of college, and how none of it was because of me at all, but all because He loves me and never gives up on me.

I was broken. Now I'm being restored in Him.
I was lost. Now I'm found in Him.
I wanted control. Now I surrender more freely.
I was seeking. Now I'm finding.
I was empty. Now I'm full of life and the One who gives it.
I was wandering. Now I'm walking in trust and faith alongside my Creator.
I was alone. Now I'm surrounded by a family of sisters in Christ that blow my mind daily.
I was unsure. Now I stand in confidence that He has plans for me.

God never stops working. He will never just think I'm good enough and there's no more to be done. He will never give up on me, no matter how many times I fail and stumble and fall down on my face. He never stops changing me and growing me and opening my eyes to more of who He is and what that means for who I am. It's been two years of more growth and maturation than I ever could have imagined, and there will only be more until He calls me home. And I'm seriously STOKED about that! My God is so good and all I am or do is for His glory.

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." -Psalm 9:10

Drawing near

The sheer number of ways that God has blown me away lately are seriously too high to count. I said earlier this week at small group that my "happy" of my past week had been being on a serious spiritual high, and it was instantly pointed out (Vianne, THANK YOU, you're awesome), and I SERIOUSLY agree, that this way I'm feeling is going to stick around.

God is at WORK. He is on fire and He has awakened my soul and I'm hungry for Him in a way I've never felt before.

There's just something awesome about how God draws near to us when we draw near to Him. I've never seen this more clearly than I have this year. Doing the Draw Near quiet time initiative this month and having a clear intention and focus in my quiet times these past few weeks has been an awesome jumping off point for God to just wow me. And He has, in ways I don't even know how to explain.

Looking back on who I was when I came to JMU and at how I've grown in my relationship with Christ and just as a person and as a daughter of the King in the semesters since then is incredible. I don't even recognize the girl that I was two years ago. The Lord has been refining me through the fire and molding me and shaping me and growing me into someone that is so much more focused on Him than on things of this world.

God is SO GOOD. Every semester, I grow and I learn and I change so much and I think, "God is awesome. How does it get better than this?! I love this place that I'm in and everything that He's showing me despite all the challenges I've faced. Where will I go from here?!" But there's always more. God's not done, He's not finished, He's not giving up on me because I've gotten better.

There's more ahead. How awesome is that? To know that even though I've come so far, there's still more ahead! There are still so many plans and so much more refining to be done in every aspect of who I am. I'm so excited for that. I'm craving more.

I want more of Him. I want so much less of me; I want to give up everything I've ever held on to or put before Him or devoted my heart to in place of Him. I want to surrender. I WANT TO. When would the old Rachel have ever said that?! When would I ever have wanted to not be the one in control?!

It blows my mind how desperately I want to lay down at His feet and just give it all up. I want to raise my white flag and wave it boldly and then bow down humbly in awe and fear of my Savior and Creator.

I can't get over how near He is to me. How evidently I can feel Him. How clearly I'm seeing Him at work in the details of my life. How powerful He is to break chains and bring freedom. How sovereign He is.

Abba, I love you. With everything.

soledad and sabbath.

Back in high school, someone introduced me to this huge, open field behind a neighborhood that was always quiet, surrounded by trees, and full of wildflowers and bugs and wild grasses. We called it Soledad, which means "solitude" in Spanish.

I hardly ever think about that place anymore, but what I miss about it is the overwhelming sense of peace and relaxation that it provided me. I loved just going there to sit and think and just wonder. The name was so fitting for that place- solitude is defined as "the state or situation of being alone", or "a lonely or uninhabited place".

This weekend, all my suitemates went home, and I was alone in the suite. For the first time in a long time, I was completely alone for quite a while, and I really went through quite a range of emotions because of it.

At first, I didn't like it. I felt agitated. I felt the need to call all my best friends and just talk about nothing, just so I wouldn't feel like I was by myself. I felt anxious, thinking every noise was something about to get me. But then time went on, and I started to feel a whole new sense of calm. I was able to truly relax, without any interruptions or distractions or anyone else's thoughts or words crowding in on my own. I was able to just be myself with no fear of anyone else watching or noticing.

What struck me most about those hours of solitude and being alone, was how I eventually didn't feel alone at all. There weren't any people around me, but I wasn't alone.

Jesus is called Immanuel- God with us. We aren't ever alone, we aren't ever abandoned. And it took me being actually alone in the suite for me to really realize what that feels like. Knowing that technically, yes, I was the only one there, but I wasn't on my own, was a very comforting and calming thought.

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." -Colossians 1:17

The more I started thinking about solitude, the more I realized it has to do with keeping the Sabbath. Learning more about what having a Sabbath really means this semester at Large Group has shown me so clearly that my alone time with my Savior is so crucial. I know that I am so restless until I rest in Him. I know that I need to just be still and know that God is God despite anything in the world around me that might try to tell me otherwise.

Solitude and Sabbath go hand in hand for me. I have really come to cherish my alone time and my Sabbaths, where I can just rest in Him and find joy and peace in the completeness of the week and the promise of the plans He has prepared for me in the days ahead.

I've been learning more and more how to remember and declare the good works of God and relinquish the things ahead, as hard as that might be.

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." -Deut. 31:8

I've really been realizing that my introvert self needs and craves alone time and my quiet times with my Father and my Sabbaths spent resting in the promise and glory of all that He is. I love my times of solitude.

I don't need the wide open spaces of that grassy field to find my soledad. I've found my rest in my God.

The knee update.

The road hasn't been so easy lately. Everything going on with my knee has taken a serious toll on my happiness and has really made things difficult. More and more, I'm being reminded that I'm not in control, and I just need to trust in God's timing. And more and more, I'm realizing how ridiculously hard that can be.

Knowing my surgeon appointment was coming up earlier this week, I really just had to surrender it all to Him and trust that His will would be done through my doctors. The news was different than we expected...there's a whole new problem in my knee that needs to be fixed through this upcoming surgery, totally different from what the last two surgeries were working to fix (although that problem isn't 100% either). All things considered, it really is working out very well. I don't have to cancel my trip to Arizona for spring break (YAY!) and I think I can still work out studying abroad in London this summer. But it does mean missing school and a lot of work, which is stressful. I feel really overwhelmed by the whole idea, but I know that it's what's best for my knee longterm, and I'm going to do everything I can with my work and my professors to make things work out.



"But Christ is faithful as a son over God's house. And we are his house, if we hold on to our courage and the hope of which we boast." -Hebrews 3:6

I know that He will be faithful to me and not abandon me or lead me into harm. Surgery isn't fun and it isn't easy, but I know I'm surrounded by the most incredible family and friends that will be there by my side every step of the way, loving me and supporting me. God's plans for me are plans to prosper me and not to harm me, and I'm clinging to that through all of this. I'm trying my hardest to trust in His will, and His way, always.

I'm praying for my surgeon and his wisdom to be able to help my knee in the best ways possible, and that hopefully this surgery will last longer than the last ones have. I'm praying that I would find peace and refuge in the Lord when anxiety crashes down on me and tries to steal my joy. I'm praying that God would show me how to trust him through this, love him through this, and praise him through this.

the start of a new year.

If you've seen my Facebook or Twitter the last few days, you'll know that I'm not a fan of New Years Eve. I don't buy into all the hype and all the parties and promises of resolutions that most never keep. Yes, a new year is exciting. I guess I'm just more the type to prefer staying in and reflecting on the past year and the year to come and not getting caught up in drinking and kissing and freaking out about the ball dropping. But anway. Happy 2012, everyone! Enough with the cynical thoughts about this holiday.

On to resolutions. Everyone makes them. I make them. I constantly am setting goals for myself and making lists and seeking to improve my character and grow more as a person and as a follower of Christ, and this time of year is no different. It is a new year, and with that, comes new opportunities for growth, and I embrace that wholeheartedly.

Here are my goals for this year:

1. Continue reading a verse a day and seeking the truth and application for my life that can be found in the Word. Doing this with Cole and with Kenleigh will be even cooler, as I know we'll all have different perspectives and thoughts to bring to the table, and we'll all learn more through doing it together as we keep each other accountable with it.

2. Work out more. Yes, I know this is cliche. But I know that with the history of my many knee surgeries and difficulties, keeping myself on track with exercising regularly will help my strength and hopefully prevent needing more surgeries anytime soon. I love how I feel when I work out, I just need to keep myself motivated to being consistent with it and I know I'll be more confident and happier all around.

3. Blog at least once a month. I started strong and then seriously slacked off with posting regularly. I have a lot of thoughts going on in my head and getting them typed out more often will help me process my life and stretch myself beyond where I'm currently at.

4. Take chances and be bold. I want to reach beyond myself and step out of my comfort zone. The most growth comes from the things that scare me a little and call me to rely fully on Christ and trust in Him with everything. This year holds awesome opportunities and awesome adventures in Atlanta for the Passion conference, Arizona for spring break, and a summer studying abroad in London. I want to embrace these fully and experience everything God has in store for me in the upcoming months.

5. Love more. I want to humbly, patiently, boldly, unashamedly, consistently LOVE. It's not going to be easy, there are going to be people that I just want to write off and forget about, but God didn't just write me off, He loved me and gave everything for me. If the Creator of the world did that for little old me, I can definitely love the people He brings into my life.

So those are my goals for this year. They'll change and shift with time, but I know that there's power in defining them and putting them in words that I can look back on and hold myself to.

"'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who belives." -Mark 9:23


Happy 2012, and know that all your resolutions, goals, hopes, and dreams are possible if you believe in the Creator of this world and the Giver of life.