People: life with them and without them

This has been a challenging semester. It's been hard to be present here at JMU when I know my time here is ending so soon. I've spent a lot less time with people, and a lot more of my time alone.

Here's what I've been learning about life, people, and community.

I came to JMU after a rough four years of high school, and I was doing my life and my faith all on my own. I didn't want anybody else to get close to me, and I wanted to have control over everything myself. My small group and tiny group and small group leaders opened my eyes and my heart to the incredible power and need for community and accountability, and it was awesome. I grew so much in that-- I was so encouraged by them, so strengthened by their prayers and support and their love.

This year, leading my own small group of freshmen girls, I've again seen the power and the purpose of community in my faith. I've been burned out this semester. Making time for people has seemed near impossible, and I haven't prioritized it at all. I honestly haven't had much time for people, and when I do have time, I make excuses and back out and don't make plans. But every week, meeting up with my girls has made my heart happy. Seeing how they love each other and care for each other and are friends on their own without my co and I facilitating it is so encouraging.

People need people. Nobody is strong enough to go through life alone. I'm not strong enough to go through life alone, even though I try to be.

I've spent the last few weeks since spring break shutting everyone out and reflecting and processing things on my own. It's a time of such great uncertainty and transition in my life and I didn't know how to include people in the confusion of me trying to figure it all out. Shutting the world out and shutting your heart down isn't the right way to do anything. It isn't productive or constructive at all.

Getting lunch with my small group leader this week reminded me how much I really really need people. Why this is something that is so hard for me to really grasp, I'll never know. But it was such a good time of conversation. Such a valuable time of verbally processing what's been happening in my head and my heart, and hearing encouraging and loving feedback in response. Letting your heart be seen by another person is so rewarding, so humbling, and so freeing.

Note to myself: Rachel. Hello. People want to be in your life. Let them be. Cherish the time you have with people face-to-face.

And here's something else I've been realizing about community. At JMU, IV is a wonderful community. We stress it so much. Small groups are the heart of IV, and we're good at them. We're good at fostering groups that love each other and love God and seek to learn and grow together.

Newsflash. IV small groups don't exist in the real world. IV doesn't exist in the real world after graduation.

Yes, there are churches and groups to be a part of and accountability partners and all of that. But I think so many people put the life of their faith on small groups and large group. I took several weeks on my own, away from my small group and not going to large group, because I needed my faith to be my faith apart from those things.

People thought I was being a bad Christian, a bad small group member, a bad leader, a bad person. And at first, I felt like I was failing in all of those roles. But I soon realized that I wasn't failing. I was making my faith my own. I was focusing on my relationship with God outside of the groups of people that I'm a part of.

And that's a good thing.

If my faith only thrives because I'm going to small group and going to large group, what kind of faith is that? Yeah, it goes against the flow to remove yourself from those things. But sometimes, it's necessary. It doesn't mean you've failed. There's such a standard that we put on ourselves as IV members or leaders, and I don't like it, to be honest.

Let's be genuine lovers of Christ. Let's be genuine followers of where the Spirit is leading. Let's be genuine believers and disciples and children of God. If that means looking different than the rest of the world (or even the rest of the IV community), let's embrace that. God is doing something different in every heart. We aren't supposed to all look the same.

Yes, we need people. Yes, we need community. Yes, we need accountability. But even Jesus took time away from the hectic chaos and away from the crowds and even away from his closest friends and followers and his disciples. He knew time with his Father in silence and solitude was beautiful and necessary. He modeled this for us so clearly.

Just skim through the book of Matthew (for example). Look at every story of Jesus teaching or performing miracles. Look at the repetition at the beginning of so many of the passages. "Jesus withdrew." "Jesus went from there." "Jesus withdrew to a solitary place." "He went up on a mountainside by himself to pray." It goes on and on.

Withdrawing, being alone, finding solitude, praying in silence...it's important. Jesus showed us that time and time again. He needed time alone with his Father to be able to face the demands of the people. He loved being with them, he loved teaching them and healing them and pouring into them. But he needed to be alone at times, too.

Thank you, Jesus, for showing us that it's okay, and that it's GOOD, to spend time away from the craziness of life. Let us rest at Your feet just as much as we are out in the world on our feet.

Shutting everyone out and shutting down isn't what Jesus did. Yes, it's what I did for the past few weeks. But more and more, I've been realizing what I need in my life.

Balance.

I need people, and I need community. I need to spend time sharing my life with others, and hearing their stories too. I need vulnerability and accountability and closeness. And I need to make the time I have at JMU with all these wonderful people count.

And I need solitude. I need time alone.  God knows my introverted spirit needs time by myself to recharge. I need time alone with my Father, time alone in prayer, in silence, in reflection, in worship.

I need time in the awesome IV community I have here at JMU, and I also need time apart from it. It won't last forever, and the transition to the real world is coming soon. But I'm here now, and I want to be fully here now-- with people, and alone.

Adventure-seeker.

I want to go on adventures. It's been so constant on my mind lately and it's coming from a place so deeply rooted within me that I just can't shake it.

I want to explore. I want to get out of the bubble I know I live in and see what's around me. I don't want to spend my last few months in this little college town just sitting around wasting my days away-- I want to be out there seeing what I can see and doing all that I can do.

I want to take risks and take chances and try new things and not be afraid of what could happen. I want to step into the unknown and embrace it and grow.

I want to be challenged and stretched beyond where I've become comfortable. I want to think in ways I've never thought and seek to find answers and truth I can wholeheartedly believe in.

I want to let go of my control and give up the reins and just trust.

I want to embrace the new, embrace the change, and be excited about it all.

I'm ready, let's adventure.





i want to be a feather in the wind—free and easy, blowing breezy. i want to be a burst of light, a vivid midsummer explosion. i want to be a steady burning flame on a crisp autumn night, calm and strong. i want to be a bird’s sweet melody, echoing earth’s constant harmony. i want to be the cool dusty scent of rain—new life, no old dirt. i want to be the fiery sunset sky’s streaks, bold and beautiful. i want to be the stillness of an ink black night, the scattered glittering subtle stars. i want to be the new buds, the life bursting from once-closed leaf cocoons. i want to be.

Second semester so far

It's my last semester at JMU...WHAT. It has definitely been a challenge to come to terms with the fact that my time at this awesome place is coming to an end so rapidly...and I've been learning so much in the process. It's been a ridiculously busy whirlwind...hence my lack of blogging.

Here's what I've been learning:

1. God is always, always, always faithful. He has blown me away this semester with His constant provision, constant love, constant presence. Even when I've run away from Him and turned my back and tried to rely on myself, He was faithful and never gave up on me. That's a love you can't find anywhere else.
2. "One of the most amazing revelations of God comes to us when we learn that it is in the everyday things of life that we realize the magnificent deity of Jesus Christ." -Oswald Chambers. The everyday things of life are where He has been blowing me away this year. With the new year, I started a Thankful journal and a 1,000 gifts journal, and I've been amazed at how my perspective has been changed. At the end of the day, there's nothing more worshipful than looking back and reflecting on how God moved and worked and was showering me with gifts to be thankful for. It's the little things that put me in such constant awe of how good my God is. (future blog posts to come on this topic! It's just too good.)
3. Change is good. Unexpected things are good. Letting go is good. Going with the flow and trusting in Him is so good.
4. There's nothing I can do to make God love me more, or to make Him love me less. All the accomplishments and successes in the world won't make me more valuable to Him, and all the failures and shortcomings won't make Him turn away from me. He created me just as I am, and living my life to bring Him glory is my sole purpose.
5. There's always more room for more love. My small group has been growing in number week by week, and it's so exciting and daunting and awesome all at once. But I've learned that there's always more space in my heart and in my busy weeks to make time for those incredible girls.
6. My future is in His hands-- I don't need to have it perfectly planned out. I don't need to know where I'm headed next. All I need to do is trust, and He will provide, and provide in abundance.

God is so good, guys. So good.

Future plans

Everyone always says that home is where the heart is. It's a nice idea, but it's so much more complicated than that. Ever since this past summer in London, I've been wrestling like crazy with trying to figure out where I'm supposed to be.

My heart has been so torn between so many places and so many people and so many passions, and I haven't had any peace or clarity about where I'm meant to be.

I came home from London with the mindset that I was graduating in May, and taking a few Maymester classes to finish things up. It was shocking to adjust to, but I came to terms with it. And then I came back to JMU. And it was exciting and high energy and I got so wrapped up in all the potential of new communities and positions and I didn't want to ever leave. So, I dropped a class that was stressing me out, and I decided I was staying until next December and only graduating a semester early.

And now, the semester has reached the halfway point, and I've been realizing a LOT. This isn't where I need to be for another year and some change. I have absolutely loved my time at JMU, but I can feel it coming to a close sooner than that.

"He intentionally puts his people in situations where they come face to face with their need for him." -David Platt in Radical

This past weekend brought a lot up in my heart. I went home and got away from all of my life here and had time to just think things through. Yesterday, I spent all evening calling all sorts of people in the registrar's office and checking MyMadison a million times and trying to figure everything out...and it's all working out flawlessly. I can walk in graduation in May, and finish my remaining credits this summer.

God is so, so, so good. I'm finally at peace about it all. I didn't believe it could all work out this late in the game, but God is opening so many doors and creating such a clear path ahead of me.

It's a big change, and I know people are going to have all sorts of opinions on it. But, I'm ready. I'm ready for graduation and moving on and new adventures and new places and new challenges. And more than that, I have such peace and confidence in the fact that I know this is what God is calling me to do.

"This is how God works. He puts his people in positions where they are desperate for his power, and then he shows his provision in ways that display his greatness." -David Platt in Radical

I'm thankful for a Father who is providing for me so tangibly. I'm thankful for my time at JMU and for how much I've grown in my faith and in my relationships. I'm thankful for the people closest to me who are supporting me and encouraging me to follow my heart and where I'm being led. I'm so excited for what's ahead and for how I'll grow so much more in my dependence on Him and confidence in His will for my life.

"I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." -Jeremiah 29:11-13, The Message

Four days of solitude

It has been building up in me for a while: a need for solitude. A need for aloneness. A need to disconnect. A need to then reconnect.

Wednesday night, I decided to take the leap. I called Kyle and tried (and probably failed) to explain why I needed to cut off all communication with him for a while. I logged out of Facebook and Twitter on my phone and my laptop and turned the self-control app on for as long as it would let me. I cancelled lunch and dinner dates and didn't schedule any new ones. I didn't make any plans. I was going to do this all or nothing.

It might sound petty or stupid or like a really dramatic and unnecessary idea, but I knew I needed it. I knew the Spirit was leading me to just take a step back from things that had been consuming my time and energy so I could focus on what He was doing in my heart. So, I trusted, and I did it.

It was NOT easy. Let me tell you. I'm an introvert, and I always love my alone time. This time, though, being alone with myself meant really being focused on my heart and my emotions and what God was speaking into me, and it was intimidating. I didn't have distractions of checking Twitter or texting Kyle or just being absorbed in my phone. I really just had myself and God and a lot of thoughts in my head, and it was a little scary.

Thursday I was reluctant. I lingered where people were. I stayed in the kitchen with my housemates instead of just going to my room and being alone. I didn't know if I wanted to know what I was going learn from this time. I was just so hesitant to really embrace this period of time.
Thursday I was refreshed. I noticed little things around me. I looked at the faces of people I passed instead of looking at my phone like usual. I looked at the sky and the ground and I just observed. It was refreshing to not have to worry about keeping connected with other people.
Thursday I was present.
Thursday I was really, truly, alone. I shut everything and everyone out. I made a new playlist of calming worship songs that I love. I lit all the candles in my room. I listened. I wrote. I sat. I thought. I prayed. I cried. I worshipped. I wondered. I struggled. I wrestled.

Friday I was reminded. It was a beautiful morning, and I was so overwhelmed by God's love for me. I saw it in everything around me. I felt a real, tangible sense of a beautiful and powerful love that only my Abba could provide. I was so content, so at peace, so rested.
Friday I was craving. The words of 1 Peter 2:2 kept ringing in my ears- I was like that newborn baby, CRAVING more. I had tasted the pure goodness of my Father and I was so hungry for more. I was so engaged and tuned in to what the Spirit was pouring into me, and I wanted so much more. I was so encouraged.

Saturday I was uplifted. Spending the whole day with my family was wonderful. It was a day full of fun adventures- farmers markets and book fairs and football games and meals. It was fun and simple and easy and just perfect. Being with them reminds me of everything I am. They have always known me  and always loved me. I'm the realest form of myself when I'm with them, and it always refreshes me and encourages me. They're my best friends and favorite people in this whole world, and they just make my heart happy.
Saturday I was content. I've learned a lot. I've struggled. I've grown. I've been so reminded of the basics, of what's important, of what my Father says I am, of how He loves me perfectly. I needed time away from things, but I'm so ready to step forward and re-engage with people and my passions in a more confident and committed way. No more apathy for this girl. I feel so refreshed and restored and ready for what He has ahead of me.

Having to depend so fully on the Word and my time with the Lord over the past few days because there was nothing else to turn to reminded me that He truly is the giver of life as it's meant to be lived. Apart from him, I'll never feel fulfilled or alive or restored. I'm restless until I rest in Him, and that has never been more true than now. Resting in Him restored me in ways I didn't know I needed restoration. And it feels good. Really good. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Abba.

Be Thou My Vision

Life has been moving at an insane speed since I last posted. I got home from London, Kyle visited for two weeks, I moved back to Harrisonburg and into the Dugout, I started training to be a freshman small group leader with IV, classes started, I went back to work, my health got significantly worse and no doctors have found answers, etc.

Here I am though, still trusting that God is good and sovereign amidst the craziness of my busy life, and still failing and needing His grace more and more.

Things I need to remember:
1. He is good, He is glorious, He is full of grace.
2. I'm nothing without Him.
3. The girls I'm leading are girls He loves fully and completely and deeply, and they are His creation. Nothing I do matters more than that. Loving them like He does is my goal.
4. My flesh may fail (and it most definitely is), but His spirit is so strong in me. My weaknesses let me rely more fully on His all sufficient strength.
5. I need to take one thing at a time and present all my concerns and fears and worries constantly to my Father in prayer. I don't need to get overwhelmed by my busy schedule and growing to-do list.

I've been constantly reminding myself of the words to the beautiful hymn "Be Thou My Vision"...

By thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
Be Thou my wisdom, and Thou my true word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I thy true son,
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.
Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise;
Thou mine inheritance, now and always;
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my treasure Thou art.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
may I reach Heaven's joys, O bright Heaven's sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

Here and now and looking ahead

Freshman year. 2010. It was a gross rainy day, and I moved in to my first dorm room in McGraw Long Hall here at JMU.

End of sophomore year. 2012. It was a cold rainy day, and I moved out of my last dorm room in Huffman Hall.

It's funny how things like that repeat themselves, but it's even more comforting to know that  God is working it all out perfectly, orchestrating things in the magnificent way that only He can. It always comes back to Him, it comes back to His will and His way.

So much has changed in these past two years living on campus and going to classes and being involved in InterVarsity, I can't even express it all. As this year comes to a close, we're all reflecting a lot on where we are now and where we came from and what's still yet to come, and it's honestly just blowing my mind.

God is so real. He's so perfect and glorious and incredible, He sees the whole big picture yet works in the details, He loves me when I fight against Him and when I seek Him with everything. I can't even comprehend how much I've changed since my first day of college, and how none of it was because of me at all, but all because He loves me and never gives up on me.

I was broken. Now I'm being restored in Him.
I was lost. Now I'm found in Him.
I wanted control. Now I surrender more freely.
I was seeking. Now I'm finding.
I was empty. Now I'm full of life and the One who gives it.
I was wandering. Now I'm walking in trust and faith alongside my Creator.
I was alone. Now I'm surrounded by a family of sisters in Christ that blow my mind daily.
I was unsure. Now I stand in confidence that He has plans for me.

God never stops working. He will never just think I'm good enough and there's no more to be done. He will never give up on me, no matter how many times I fail and stumble and fall down on my face. He never stops changing me and growing me and opening my eyes to more of who He is and what that means for who I am. It's been two years of more growth and maturation than I ever could have imagined, and there will only be more until He calls me home. And I'm seriously STOKED about that! My God is so good and all I am or do is for His glory.

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." -Psalm 9:10

Drawing near

The sheer number of ways that God has blown me away lately are seriously too high to count. I said earlier this week at small group that my "happy" of my past week had been being on a serious spiritual high, and it was instantly pointed out (Vianne, THANK YOU, you're awesome), and I SERIOUSLY agree, that this way I'm feeling is going to stick around.

God is at WORK. He is on fire and He has awakened my soul and I'm hungry for Him in a way I've never felt before.

There's just something awesome about how God draws near to us when we draw near to Him. I've never seen this more clearly than I have this year. Doing the Draw Near quiet time initiative this month and having a clear intention and focus in my quiet times these past few weeks has been an awesome jumping off point for God to just wow me. And He has, in ways I don't even know how to explain.

Looking back on who I was when I came to JMU and at how I've grown in my relationship with Christ and just as a person and as a daughter of the King in the semesters since then is incredible. I don't even recognize the girl that I was two years ago. The Lord has been refining me through the fire and molding me and shaping me and growing me into someone that is so much more focused on Him than on things of this world.

God is SO GOOD. Every semester, I grow and I learn and I change so much and I think, "God is awesome. How does it get better than this?! I love this place that I'm in and everything that He's showing me despite all the challenges I've faced. Where will I go from here?!" But there's always more. God's not done, He's not finished, He's not giving up on me because I've gotten better.

There's more ahead. How awesome is that? To know that even though I've come so far, there's still more ahead! There are still so many plans and so much more refining to be done in every aspect of who I am. I'm so excited for that. I'm craving more.

I want more of Him. I want so much less of me; I want to give up everything I've ever held on to or put before Him or devoted my heart to in place of Him. I want to surrender. I WANT TO. When would the old Rachel have ever said that?! When would I ever have wanted to not be the one in control?!

It blows my mind how desperately I want to lay down at His feet and just give it all up. I want to raise my white flag and wave it boldly and then bow down humbly in awe and fear of my Savior and Creator.

I can't get over how near He is to me. How evidently I can feel Him. How clearly I'm seeing Him at work in the details of my life. How powerful He is to break chains and bring freedom. How sovereign He is.

Abba, I love you. With everything.

Define: my knee

Sometimes I feel like I'm defined by my knee. It's always the first thing people ask about, it's always on my mind and causing me pain, my life is scheduled around doctors appointments and physical therapy. Surgery last week put me back out of the normal swing of things and kept me in Richmond instead of letting me go back to JMU when everyone else did. I've spent a week on the couch, needing my family to help me with just about everything, as I can't walk or get things for myself.

I've been totally dependent, and I've learned a lot from it. I've learned how much my family loves me and how blessed I am to have parents that sacrifice so much for me and my health. They've had to miss work and listen to me cry and whine and pay crazy bills and get me water and my medicine countless times when I'm sure they didn't want to get up and get it, and they've loved me through all of it. I can't express my gratitude to them enough for all they've done for me and will continue to do for me as I continue on this healing process.

I've learned that I have seriously awesome friends. It would be really easy for people to forget about me- they're busy with their lives back in AZ or at JMU, and I'm totally out of sight. But I haven't been out of their minds and hearts, and I've felt that loud and strong from them. They've sent encouraging texts, written on my Facebook wall, checked up on me, a bunch of my best friends even drove down from JMU for the day just to hang out with me and bring me cards and goodies.  They TOTALLY did not need to make that drive just for a few hours hanging out in my family room, but it meant the world to me that they would do it just to be with me. I'm so blessed.

I've learned that when I'm weak, it makes God even more strong. I don't have to have it all together to come before Him and worship. He doesn't love me any less or view me as any less of a person of any less value, even though those thoughts love to seep in to my heart and bring me down. I'm still the daughter He created, and He still loves me as I am, completely and unconditionally. Nothing, not even this injury that won't seem to go away, will make me any less to Him. There's such humility and comfort and beauty and just peace for me in that promise.

So, I'm still healing. I'm still far from where I want to be. I know the road ahead of me is going to be so physically challenging and demanding, and I know that even at the end of the recovery from this surgery, there are probably many more ahead. But I'm choosing to stay optimistic, push myself, and know that I'm blessed and this is just a part of my story. My knee doesn't define all of who I am. It's just one part of me. The broken things don't define me. I'm focusing on the positives and the joy and how God is using this to refine me and grow me in so many new ways. I'm going to get through this and be so much stronger as a result, in more ways than one.

soledad and sabbath.

Back in high school, someone introduced me to this huge, open field behind a neighborhood that was always quiet, surrounded by trees, and full of wildflowers and bugs and wild grasses. We called it Soledad, which means "solitude" in Spanish.

I hardly ever think about that place anymore, but what I miss about it is the overwhelming sense of peace and relaxation that it provided me. I loved just going there to sit and think and just wonder. The name was so fitting for that place- solitude is defined as "the state or situation of being alone", or "a lonely or uninhabited place".

This weekend, all my suitemates went home, and I was alone in the suite. For the first time in a long time, I was completely alone for quite a while, and I really went through quite a range of emotions because of it.

At first, I didn't like it. I felt agitated. I felt the need to call all my best friends and just talk about nothing, just so I wouldn't feel like I was by myself. I felt anxious, thinking every noise was something about to get me. But then time went on, and I started to feel a whole new sense of calm. I was able to truly relax, without any interruptions or distractions or anyone else's thoughts or words crowding in on my own. I was able to just be myself with no fear of anyone else watching or noticing.

What struck me most about those hours of solitude and being alone, was how I eventually didn't feel alone at all. There weren't any people around me, but I wasn't alone.

Jesus is called Immanuel- God with us. We aren't ever alone, we aren't ever abandoned. And it took me being actually alone in the suite for me to really realize what that feels like. Knowing that technically, yes, I was the only one there, but I wasn't on my own, was a very comforting and calming thought.

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." -Colossians 1:17

The more I started thinking about solitude, the more I realized it has to do with keeping the Sabbath. Learning more about what having a Sabbath really means this semester at Large Group has shown me so clearly that my alone time with my Savior is so crucial. I know that I am so restless until I rest in Him. I know that I need to just be still and know that God is God despite anything in the world around me that might try to tell me otherwise.

Solitude and Sabbath go hand in hand for me. I have really come to cherish my alone time and my Sabbaths, where I can just rest in Him and find joy and peace in the completeness of the week and the promise of the plans He has prepared for me in the days ahead.

I've been learning more and more how to remember and declare the good works of God and relinquish the things ahead, as hard as that might be.

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." -Deut. 31:8

I've really been realizing that my introvert self needs and craves alone time and my quiet times with my Father and my Sabbaths spent resting in the promise and glory of all that He is. I love my times of solitude.

I don't need the wide open spaces of that grassy field to find my soledad. I've found my rest in my God.

a verse a day.

Getting away from the craziness of school and just being at home with nothing much to do always brings about a lot of time to think and reflect on where my life is at and where I'm headed.

This semester was one unlike those of freshman year. JMU was familiar territory, I knew everyone I was living with, I was already involved in things around campus, I had my same job, it was all things I had seen and done before. I came in to the semester fired up after an amazing summer and so much personal growth, but that feeling faded with time.

I got to this point of just feeling so stuck in every area of my life. Everything was fine, but nothing was really pushing me to be more or do more. I had no real motivation or inspiration.

Meeting with various friends and mentors, I started realizing a lot about the situation that I was in. Vianne and I came up with several analogies that described it all perfectly. After I dumped my sad story on her, she had such insightful advice to offer me.

She said that until this current point in my life, I've always been on the defensive, trying to overcome big obstacles that were in my path. Moving from Arizona to Richmond during high school, dealing with drama with friends, getting out of a bad relationship, trying to find a good church family, struggling with my health and my body, etc. There was always a very big, very tangible thing that I needed to work through, and in doing so, I would make progress and grow and learn a lot and take steps forward.

But where I'm at now, there are no real obstacles in my way. I've worked through all the big things in my past, I've gone through counseling to learn how to deal with my struggles, I've found groups I belong to that hold me accountable. I'm at this place in my life where I need to be on the offensive. There's nothing in my way, it's just up to me to take steps into the unknown and to step out in faith that God will lead me and guide me through it.

Once she said this, I realized a different analogy that was just as true. It's like I had been in this desert, suffering in the heat, exhausted and defeated. There's a fresh spring of cool water just up ahead of where I'm laying. I see it, I know it's there, I know it offers me comfort and joy and can bring me back to life, but I'm too lazy and unmotivated to move towards it.

I've had a rough journey, I'm finally over everything, but I'm just choosing to stand still instead of make an effort to move forward into the life God is offering me.

Realizing where I was at wasn't easy, and it wasn't pleasant. I kept mulling over everything we had talked about, angry at myself for being so lukewarm and so complacent, yet not quite angry enough to still do anything about it. I felt like since I had identified where I was it, that was enough progress for now. I still wasn't feeling any desire to move.

And then I met with Katie Gill. She's seen me at my weakest and lowest points and cared for me and supported me through one of the biggest adventures of my life. I told her what Vianne and I had talked about and explained that I was feeling stuck in my faith, and she asked me straight up why I hadn't done anything about it. It was exactly the push I needed to move out of where I'd been and make the move I'd been resisting for so long.

Had she and I met a few weeks earlier, I wouldn't have taken it the same way, but I was ready and just needed someone to challenge me and wake me up. She told me how she had made a promise with God to read a verse a day and reflect on it. It didn't seem like much as she was talking about it, but I figured that was good. I hadn't been doing anything in my quiet times with God, so a verse a day was something I could handle, and I decided it would be a good place to start from.

And so, the verse a day pact with God began. I knew after talking to Katie that this had to be something I committed to God first and foremost.

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." -Proverbs 16:3

I knew myself well enough to know that on my own, I would fail soon after I started. So I talked to God about it, I wrote it down, and I started in Psalms.

"Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck." -Psalms 69:1

I decided not to go straight through a book, but to instead skip around, getting in to all areas of the Bible, even books I had never read before.

And I found God there, waiting for me with open arms and no judgment.

In just a few lines a day, I began realizing God was tugging at my heart and vying for my attention in ways I hadn't really been aware of before. Every verse seemed to tell me the same thing- follow Christ with your whole heart, and you will find life. There is no life apart from Him.

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." -Colossians 1:17


"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." -1 Corinthians 15:58


"When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." -John 8:12


"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." -Psalms 119:105


Just one verse every day, and I'm discovering God in a whole new way. His truths abound in His word, there is application for my life in every verse, and He is always with us. Reading through these verses during the Christmas season has been even richer, as the promise that He is Immanuel, God with us, is even more beautiful and real with the world rejoicing in the birth of our Savior.

I'm moving forward. I'm sick of being lukewarm, and I'm trusting God that He has plans for my future, even though I can't see them or control them. I know that Love is here. I know that God is with me. I know that by committing my plan to the Lord, He will be present and He will open my eyes to pieces of His glory every day. I know when I show up, He shows up in mighty ways.

I never knew that one tiny verse a day would bring such big growth.

the tests of time.

I haven't forgotten about this blog, life has just been such a whirlwind lately. I haven't been able to catch my breath and slow down enough to truly think, analyze, process, and make enough sense of my thoughts to put it into words so publicly.

This semester has been challenging in so many new ways, but I'm learning so many awesome lessons through it all. Because I know you're so intrigued, let me share them with you.

1. Challenges in life may seem big, but God is so much bigger.
2. The battle of being vulnerable versus guarding your heart is so, so hard to fight, especially when you try to figure it out all on your own.
3. The body of Christ is incredible. The body of Christ on this campus is SO incredible; I've finally found a community of the most supportive and passionate fellow believers and it's a feeling I can't explain. I'm home.
4. JMU really is where I'm supposed to be, even if doubts and insecurities build up in my own head trying to convince me otherwise.

"And in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

-Romans 8:28

5. I went through all of the pain and heartbreak that I went through in past relationships not just to make me a "better" or "stronger" person, but to give me a heart for sex trafficking and human trafficking in the world today. Never have I felt so passionately about an issue. Never have I had my heart ache for injustice in the world so deeply. Never have I so badly wanted to just SERVE and be used by God.

"In faithfulness, he will bring forth justice; he will not falter or be discouraged till he establishes justice on earth."
-Isaiah 42:3-4

6. Good things come when you least expect them. God works in such mysterious ways.
7. Home really just is where the heart is. And it's okay that mine finds homes in Arizona, in Richmond with my parents and brother, around Harrisonburg on this gorgeous campus, and around the world with my dreams for the future.
8. Being with someone that cares about me so much, challenges me to grow and be better and face my doubts, and supports me through anything and everything is showing me more and more how much God loves me so perfectly, unconditionally, and endlessly.

"In this you will greatly rejoice, though for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perished even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
-1 Peter 1:6-7

the status of my heart.

Being back at JMU makes my heart so happy. Everywhere I go, there's beauty. Sunsets behind the tiers of foggy mountains, big old trees towering over the sunny quad, Wilson Hall standing proudly at one end, seeming so regal and prestigious. There's no shortage of gorgeous places around Harrisonburg.

There also is no shortage of awesome people. Walking through campus, there is just this sense of community that you can't escape, nor do I think you'd ever even want to. I know I belong here, I know this is home, I know these people are my family.

Anyway, enough about my love for JMU. I could go on for days.

I just finished reading "Desire" by John Eldredge. Not totally sure I'm obsessed with everything in this book, but there were several good points made that really stuck in my head and got me thinking. The whole topic of "desire" is something that is extremely relevant in this stage of my life, and something that I think culture views in a very different way than Jesus intended. I do recommend reading this book, if for no other reason than to provoke some interesting introspection into your own heart's desires.

There is a quote in the first chapter that I underlined and starred, and it really resonates with me.

"To desire is to open our hearts to the possibility of pain; to shut down our hearts is to die altogether."
-John Eldredge, "Desire"


Since being back at JMU, this whole idea of guarding my heart has been really prevalent. I'm a control freak, I'll admit that readily. Being vulnerable with my heart has never been something I've enjoyed, and I've always struggled with it a lot. It seems to always follow a pattern: I grow close to people. I slowly start to open up, let them in, share my heart. Something happens, trust is broken, and I'm left feeling exposed and foolish for ever letting my guard down.

"Because of its vulnerable nature, desire begins to feel like our worst enemy."

-John Eldredge, "Desire"

This book, and recent events in my life, have reminded me that having desires and passions and feelings comes hand in hand with the risk that pain might follow. On the contrary though, if I just shut everyone out and lock my heart up to the world, no growth or life will ever come from it.

"God is a deeply, profoundly passionate person. Zeal consumes him... In other words, his profound desire for something greater sustained him at the moment of his deepest trial. We cannot hope to live like him without a similar depth of passion."

-John Eldredge, "Desire"

If seeking to live like God is my goal, living a passionate, zealous life is necessary. It's not a bad thing that I care so much, that I feel things so deeply, that I love intensely. But there needs to be a balance between total zealous passion and total exposed vulnerability while seeking after the desires God has placed on my heart, and I'm still trying to figure out exactly what that looks like in the reality of my life.

"To live with desire is to choose vulnerability over self-protection; to admit our desire and seek help beyond ourselves is even more vulnerable. It is an act of trust."

-John Eldredge, "Desire"

My goal for this year is focused on the heart:

Learning to trust that while things in my life seem big, God is bigger. Learning how to guard my heart yet let people in without a fear of vulnerability destroying me. Learning how to have humility and hold back instead of being quick to speak and quick to anger. Learning how to passionately live for Christ and seek after the desires He has set into my heart.

the path ahead.

Hope has changed my life this summer. Hope Church, that is. The ways God has worked through that place and those people are incredible.

At the last week of The U, a few of us shared a bit of our stories and what beatitude we related the most to, as we had studied one beatitude each week throughout the summer. I went first, and it was awesome getting to just talk about my life and how I've seen God move in it, especially through college and this summer.

When preparing for these little interview sessions, Nicole told us she might ask us "In a year from now, if you were to be back here again, what do you hope to have seen change in your life?" She didn't end up asking me that question in front of the group, but it really got me thinking. A few days after that, I had a conversation with a new friend that I met through The U as well, and he asked me what my answer to that question would be.

So, here's my answer. In a year from now, I hope that I will have sought God wholeheartedly and unashamedly and lived out my life and my faith with a boldness like I've never had before. This past year has been full of such insane growth in my faith, and most specifically in the realization that I truly need community and accountability in my life. Before college, I tried to do everything on my own and didn't want to let anyone in; I didn't want anybody to be able to hurt me like I had been hurt before. But being in IV and my small group shattered that skewed perception I had in my head and showed me that vulnerability and accountability is so precious and leads to such depth and intimacy that then leads you so much closer to the heart of who God truly is.

I want to build on the momentum that's been growing in me this year and take my faith to new heights and new depths. I don't want to just live my life for me, sheltered in my little world. I want God to move mountains through me, to shine a light through me that is powerful and wonderful and that humbles me like never before.

I'm so excited for this year; for the opportunities and experiences I know lie ahead, for being back with my small group and the ways we'll learn and grow together, for just being back on campus, surrounded by believers and strangers and just friends all alike. I'm so ready for God to take my heart and shape it and perfect it and chisel it away to become more like His, in the best of times and the hardest and most challenging of times.

Next summer, I want to look back on my sophomore year and see God so clearly and vividly. I want Rachel to fade away and God to shine brightly. I know God is writing my story; I want him to be the star. I'm just a member of His cast, and I want Him to move powerfully in me and through me this year.


"Jesus calls you to be his intimate ally once more. There are great things to be done and great sacrifices to be made. You won't lose heart if you know what's really going on here, where this Story is headed and what your Lover has promised to you."
-Epic by John Eldredge

the beauty of letting go.

I've been just sitting on my bed, staring off into space for the past half hour or so. There are tons of things I really should be doing, but here I am, just looking around my room at things I've seen millions of times.


As I look around, I see a lot of red, black, and white. When we moved into this house, I decided that would be my color scheme. A neutral tan color on the walls, red comforter, and black and white accents. I even took this so far as to only put up black and white pictures around my room.


When I was getting ready to move into my dorm at JMU last fall, my roommate and I decided we should discuss our room and what ideas we had so that things would match, etc. We also decided on a color scheme. Black and aqua. Believe me, almost everything I bought was one of these two colors.


Now that I'm sitting here just letting my mind wander, I'm realizing that this can be a kind of crazy and probably far fetched, yet still legitimate, metaphor for my life as a whole.


I start off with a plan. It's detailed and specific and includes every little minuscule component. It's well thought out and I'm confident in it. It feels right, it feels like me....but then time goes by. And I start to get bored. I start to see things in stores that I wish I had bought for my room instead of just the things in my color scheme. I start to envy the way other people put things together. I start to doubt my whole plan completely.


And then, I start to realize my plan maybe wasn't the most perfect plan after all. Yes, I had planned it out quite well, but I never asked for other inputs, I never considered other options, I never just let my room come together over time, believing that it would all work out if I just let go and let it. I was so set on the plan I had made for myself that I didn't even see that there were other, more amazing ideas and plans out there that I would have discovered if I had just had faith that it would all come together.


And now, I'm realizing how true this is of my character when it comes to God. I have my plan. My colors all match. But I realize that there's probably a much better plan waiting for me if I just give up my need for control. There's more to me than just three colors that I think I like. There's more to life than just the things I think I'm good at. There's more to God's plan for me than just my plans for myself.


Letting go and letting God leads to a much fuller, vibrant, beautiful, and eclectic life than the one my control-hungry self could ever dream of. This summer has been such a time of growth for me, and I've realized that giving up my plans and completely surrendering is so freeing and amazing. Yeah, it's scary. Accepting that God's plan may be absolutely nothing like what you had in mind isn't the easiest idea to come to terms with, but I know His plans are to prosper me, not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and future.


"There is hope, for me yet, because God won't forget, all the plans He's made for me
I have to wait and see, He's not finished with me yet, He's not finished with me yet..."

-Brandon Heath "Wait and See"

I'm so, so excited to see what's next in the story God has written for me, and it's more than worth it to let go of my own plans to let His reign in my life.

the things i've learned this summer.

I'm a big fan of lists, so here's one about lessons learned this summer as I look ahead to one more month of summer before going back to school!

1. Pursuing God with my whole heart and surrendering to Him is the most freeing and exciting way to live.

2. Family is everything. They're my foundation, my solid ground, my biggest fans, my best friends, and my favorite people in the world. I've loved getting to know them in such a new way this summer after a year away from home; they're the most amazing people I know and I have such a newfound love and respect for them.

3. Working as though for God and not for man is extremely humbling and motivating.

4. The city of Richmond is an awesome place. Glen Allen...not so much. But I honestly already knew this.

5. I'm crazy about my small group. I never realized how much I just love seeing those girls every week and diving into the Word with them. I crave time with them much more now that I haven't had it in a few months.

6. Hope Church is an incredible place for fellowship and community. The U at Hope has been the best thing to happen to me this summer- having such an awesome group of people to meet with every week has kept me passionate and excited about my faith and about people.

7. God is an amazing source of refuge, strength, and confidence. Knowing I'm in His arms and in His heart is the most comforting thing. Nobody can truly harm me when I have Him surrounding me.

8. The Beatitudes are powerful. Extremely powerful. Study them, and I mean REALLY study them. Your life will forever be changed.

9. When I let go and let God, awesome things happen.

10. I don't need a boyfriend to be happy, to be strong, or to feel loved.