This has been a challenging semester. It's been hard to be present here at JMU when I know my time here is ending so soon. I've spent a lot less time with people, and a lot more of my time alone.
Here's what I've been learning about life, people, and community.
I came to JMU after a rough four years of high school, and I was doing my life and my faith all on my own. I didn't want anybody else to get close to me, and I wanted to have control over everything myself. My small group and tiny group and small group leaders opened my eyes and my heart to the incredible power and need for community and accountability, and it was awesome. I grew so much in that-- I was so encouraged by them, so strengthened by their prayers and support and their love.
This year, leading my own small group of freshmen girls, I've again seen the power and the purpose of community in my faith. I've been burned out this semester. Making time for people has seemed near impossible, and I haven't prioritized it at all. I honestly haven't had much time for people, and when I do have time, I make excuses and back out and don't make plans. But every week, meeting up with my girls has made my heart happy. Seeing how they love each other and care for each other and are friends on their own without my co and I facilitating it is so encouraging.
People need people. Nobody is strong enough to go through life alone. I'm not strong enough to go through life alone, even though I try to be.
I've spent the last few weeks since spring break shutting everyone out and reflecting and processing things on my own. It's a time of such great uncertainty and transition in my life and I didn't know how to include people in the confusion of me trying to figure it all out. Shutting the world out and shutting your heart down isn't the right way to do anything. It isn't productive or constructive at all.
Getting lunch with my small group leader this week reminded me how much I really really need people. Why this is something that is so hard for me to really grasp, I'll never know. But it was such a good time of conversation. Such a valuable time of verbally processing what's been happening in my head and my heart, and hearing encouraging and loving feedback in response. Letting your heart be seen by another person is so rewarding, so humbling, and so freeing.
Note to myself: Rachel. Hello. People want to be in your life. Let them be. Cherish the time you have with people face-to-face.
And here's something else I've been realizing about community. At JMU, IV is a wonderful community. We stress it so much. Small groups are the heart of IV, and we're good at them. We're good at fostering groups that love each other and love God and seek to learn and grow together.
Newsflash. IV small groups don't exist in the real world. IV doesn't exist in the real world after graduation.
Yes, there are churches and groups to be a part of and accountability partners and all of that. But I think so many people put the life of their faith on small groups and large group. I took several weeks on my own, away from my small group and not going to large group, because I needed my faith to be my faith apart from those things.
People thought I was being a bad Christian, a bad small group member, a bad leader, a bad person. And at first, I felt like I was failing in all of those roles. But I soon realized that I wasn't failing. I was making my faith my own. I was focusing on my relationship with God outside of the groups of people that I'm a part of.
And that's a good thing.
If my faith only thrives because I'm going to small group and going to large group, what kind of faith is that? Yeah, it goes against the flow to remove yourself from those things. But sometimes, it's necessary. It doesn't mean you've failed. There's such a standard that we put on ourselves as IV members or leaders, and I don't like it, to be honest.
Let's be genuine lovers of Christ. Let's be genuine followers of where the Spirit is leading. Let's be genuine believers and disciples and children of God. If that means looking different than the rest of the world (or even the rest of the IV community), let's embrace that. God is doing something different in every heart. We aren't supposed to all look the same.
Yes, we need people. Yes, we need community. Yes, we need accountability. But even Jesus took time away from the hectic chaos and away from the crowds and even away from his closest friends and followers and his disciples. He knew time with his Father in silence and solitude was beautiful and necessary. He modeled this for us so clearly.
Just skim through the book of Matthew (for example). Look at every story of Jesus teaching or performing miracles. Look at the repetition at the beginning of so many of the passages. "Jesus withdrew." "Jesus went from there." "Jesus withdrew to a solitary place." "He went up on a mountainside by himself to pray." It goes on and on.
Withdrawing, being alone, finding solitude, praying in silence...it's important. Jesus showed us that time and time again. He needed time alone with his Father to be able to face the demands of the people. He loved being with them, he loved teaching them and healing them and pouring into them. But he needed to be alone at times, too.
Thank you, Jesus, for showing us that it's okay, and that it's GOOD, to spend time away from the craziness of life. Let us rest at Your feet just as much as we are out in the world on our feet.
Shutting everyone out and shutting down isn't what Jesus did. Yes, it's what I did for the past few weeks. But more and more, I've been realizing what I need in my life.
Balance.
I need people, and I need community. I need to spend time sharing my life with others, and hearing their stories too. I need vulnerability and accountability and closeness. And I need to make the time I have at JMU with all these wonderful people count.
And I need solitude. I need time alone. God knows my introverted spirit needs time by myself to recharge. I need time alone with my Father, time alone in prayer, in silence, in reflection, in worship.
I need time in the awesome IV community I have here at JMU, and I also need time apart from it. It won't last forever, and the transition to the real world is coming soon. But I'm here now, and I want to be fully here now-- with people, and alone.
Showing posts with label heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heart. Show all posts
Monday, April 1, 2013
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Four days of solitude
It has been building up in me for a while: a need for solitude. A need for aloneness. A need to disconnect. A need to then reconnect.
Wednesday night, I decided to take the leap. I called Kyle and tried (and probably failed) to explain why I needed to cut off all communication with him for a while. I logged out of Facebook and Twitter on my phone and my laptop and turned the self-control app on for as long as it would let me. I cancelled lunch and dinner dates and didn't schedule any new ones. I didn't make any plans. I was going to do this all or nothing.
It might sound petty or stupid or like a really dramatic and unnecessary idea, but I knew I needed it. I knew the Spirit was leading me to just take a step back from things that had been consuming my time and energy so I could focus on what He was doing in my heart. So, I trusted, and I did it.
It was NOT easy. Let me tell you. I'm an introvert, and I always love my alone time. This time, though, being alone with myself meant really being focused on my heart and my emotions and what God was speaking into me, and it was intimidating. I didn't have distractions of checking Twitter or texting Kyle or just being absorbed in my phone. I really just had myself and God and a lot of thoughts in my head, and it was a little scary.
Thursday I was reluctant. I lingered where people were. I stayed in the kitchen with my housemates instead of just going to my room and being alone. I didn't know if I wanted to know what I was going learn from this time. I was just so hesitant to really embrace this period of time.
Thursday I was refreshed. I noticed little things around me. I looked at the faces of people I passed instead of looking at my phone like usual. I looked at the sky and the ground and I just observed. It was refreshing to not have to worry about keeping connected with other people.
Thursday I was present.
Thursday I was really, truly, alone. I shut everything and everyone out. I made a new playlist of calming worship songs that I love. I lit all the candles in my room. I listened. I wrote. I sat. I thought. I prayed. I cried. I worshipped. I wondered. I struggled. I wrestled.
Friday I was reminded. It was a beautiful morning, and I was so overwhelmed by God's love for me. I saw it in everything around me. I felt a real, tangible sense of a beautiful and powerful love that only my Abba could provide. I was so content, so at peace, so rested.
Friday I was craving. The words of 1 Peter 2:2 kept ringing in my ears- I was like that newborn baby, CRAVING more. I had tasted the pure goodness of my Father and I was so hungry for more. I was so engaged and tuned in to what the Spirit was pouring into me, and I wanted so much more. I was so encouraged.
Saturday I was uplifted. Spending the whole day with my family was wonderful. It was a day full of fun adventures- farmers markets and book fairs and football games and meals. It was fun and simple and easy and just perfect. Being with them reminds me of everything I am. They have always known me and always loved me. I'm the realest form of myself when I'm with them, and it always refreshes me and encourages me. They're my best friends and favorite people in this whole world, and they just make my heart happy.
Saturday I was content. I've learned a lot. I've struggled. I've grown. I've been so reminded of the basics, of what's important, of what my Father says I am, of how He loves me perfectly. I needed time away from things, but I'm so ready to step forward and re-engage with people and my passions in a more confident and committed way. No more apathy for this girl. I feel so refreshed and restored and ready for what He has ahead of me.
Having to depend so fully on the Word and my time with the Lord over the past few days because there was nothing else to turn to reminded me that He truly is the giver of life as it's meant to be lived. Apart from him, I'll never feel fulfilled or alive or restored. I'm restless until I rest in Him, and that has never been more true than now. Resting in Him restored me in ways I didn't know I needed restoration. And it feels good. Really good. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Abba.
Wednesday night, I decided to take the leap. I called Kyle and tried (and probably failed) to explain why I needed to cut off all communication with him for a while. I logged out of Facebook and Twitter on my phone and my laptop and turned the self-control app on for as long as it would let me. I cancelled lunch and dinner dates and didn't schedule any new ones. I didn't make any plans. I was going to do this all or nothing.
It might sound petty or stupid or like a really dramatic and unnecessary idea, but I knew I needed it. I knew the Spirit was leading me to just take a step back from things that had been consuming my time and energy so I could focus on what He was doing in my heart. So, I trusted, and I did it.
It was NOT easy. Let me tell you. I'm an introvert, and I always love my alone time. This time, though, being alone with myself meant really being focused on my heart and my emotions and what God was speaking into me, and it was intimidating. I didn't have distractions of checking Twitter or texting Kyle or just being absorbed in my phone. I really just had myself and God and a lot of thoughts in my head, and it was a little scary.
Thursday I was reluctant. I lingered where people were. I stayed in the kitchen with my housemates instead of just going to my room and being alone. I didn't know if I wanted to know what I was going learn from this time. I was just so hesitant to really embrace this period of time.
Thursday I was refreshed. I noticed little things around me. I looked at the faces of people I passed instead of looking at my phone like usual. I looked at the sky and the ground and I just observed. It was refreshing to not have to worry about keeping connected with other people.
Thursday I was present.
Thursday I was really, truly, alone. I shut everything and everyone out. I made a new playlist of calming worship songs that I love. I lit all the candles in my room. I listened. I wrote. I sat. I thought. I prayed. I cried. I worshipped. I wondered. I struggled. I wrestled.
Friday I was reminded. It was a beautiful morning, and I was so overwhelmed by God's love for me. I saw it in everything around me. I felt a real, tangible sense of a beautiful and powerful love that only my Abba could provide. I was so content, so at peace, so rested.
Friday I was craving. The words of 1 Peter 2:2 kept ringing in my ears- I was like that newborn baby, CRAVING more. I had tasted the pure goodness of my Father and I was so hungry for more. I was so engaged and tuned in to what the Spirit was pouring into me, and I wanted so much more. I was so encouraged.
Saturday I was uplifted. Spending the whole day with my family was wonderful. It was a day full of fun adventures- farmers markets and book fairs and football games and meals. It was fun and simple and easy and just perfect. Being with them reminds me of everything I am. They have always known me and always loved me. I'm the realest form of myself when I'm with them, and it always refreshes me and encourages me. They're my best friends and favorite people in this whole world, and they just make my heart happy.
Saturday I was content. I've learned a lot. I've struggled. I've grown. I've been so reminded of the basics, of what's important, of what my Father says I am, of how He loves me perfectly. I needed time away from things, but I'm so ready to step forward and re-engage with people and my passions in a more confident and committed way. No more apathy for this girl. I feel so refreshed and restored and ready for what He has ahead of me.
Having to depend so fully on the Word and my time with the Lord over the past few days because there was nothing else to turn to reminded me that He truly is the giver of life as it's meant to be lived. Apart from him, I'll never feel fulfilled or alive or restored. I'm restless until I rest in Him, and that has never been more true than now. Resting in Him restored me in ways I didn't know I needed restoration. And it feels good. Really good. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Abba.
Monday, October 3, 2011
the tests of time.
I haven't forgotten about this blog, life has just been such a whirlwind lately. I haven't been able to catch my breath and slow down enough to truly think, analyze, process, and make enough sense of my thoughts to put it into words so publicly.
This semester has been challenging in so many new ways, but I'm learning so many awesome lessons through it all. Because I know you're so intrigued, let me share them with you.
1. Challenges in life may seem big, but God is so much bigger.
2. The battle of being vulnerable versus guarding your heart is so, so hard to fight, especially when you try to figure it out all on your own.
3. The body of Christ is incredible. The body of Christ on this campus is SO incredible; I've finally found a community of the most supportive and passionate fellow believers and it's a feeling I can't explain. I'm home.
4. JMU really is where I'm supposed to be, even if doubts and insecurities build up in my own head trying to convince me otherwise.
5. I went through all of the pain and heartbreak that I went through in past relationships not just to make me a "better" or "stronger" person, but to give me a heart for sex trafficking and human trafficking in the world today. Never have I felt so passionately about an issue. Never have I had my heart ache for injustice in the world so deeply. Never have I so badly wanted to just SERVE and be used by God.
"In faithfulness, he will bring forth justice; he will not falter or be discouraged till he establishes justice on earth."
-Isaiah 42:3-4
6. Good things come when you least expect them. God works in such mysterious ways.
7. Home really just is where the heart is. And it's okay that mine finds homes in Arizona, in Richmond with my parents and brother, around Harrisonburg on this gorgeous campus, and around the world with my dreams for the future.
8. Being with someone that cares about me so much, challenges me to grow and be better and face my doubts, and supports me through anything and everything is showing me more and more how much God loves me so perfectly, unconditionally, and endlessly.
"In this you will greatly rejoice, though for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perished even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
-1 Peter 1:6-7
This semester has been challenging in so many new ways, but I'm learning so many awesome lessons through it all. Because I know you're so intrigued, let me share them with you.
1. Challenges in life may seem big, but God is so much bigger.
2. The battle of being vulnerable versus guarding your heart is so, so hard to fight, especially when you try to figure it out all on your own.
3. The body of Christ is incredible. The body of Christ on this campus is SO incredible; I've finally found a community of the most supportive and passionate fellow believers and it's a feeling I can't explain. I'm home.
4. JMU really is where I'm supposed to be, even if doubts and insecurities build up in my own head trying to convince me otherwise.
"And in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
-Romans 8:28
5. I went through all of the pain and heartbreak that I went through in past relationships not just to make me a "better" or "stronger" person, but to give me a heart for sex trafficking and human trafficking in the world today. Never have I felt so passionately about an issue. Never have I had my heart ache for injustice in the world so deeply. Never have I so badly wanted to just SERVE and be used by God.
"In faithfulness, he will bring forth justice; he will not falter or be discouraged till he establishes justice on earth."
-Isaiah 42:3-4
6. Good things come when you least expect them. God works in such mysterious ways.
7. Home really just is where the heart is. And it's okay that mine finds homes in Arizona, in Richmond with my parents and brother, around Harrisonburg on this gorgeous campus, and around the world with my dreams for the future.
8. Being with someone that cares about me so much, challenges me to grow and be better and face my doubts, and supports me through anything and everything is showing me more and more how much God loves me so perfectly, unconditionally, and endlessly.
"In this you will greatly rejoice, though for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perished even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
-1 Peter 1:6-7
Thursday, September 1, 2011
the status of my heart.
Being back at JMU makes my heart so happy. Everywhere I go, there's beauty. Sunsets behind the tiers of foggy mountains, big old trees towering over the sunny quad, Wilson Hall standing proudly at one end, seeming so regal and prestigious. There's no shortage of gorgeous places around Harrisonburg.
There also is no shortage of awesome people. Walking through campus, there is just this sense of community that you can't escape, nor do I think you'd ever even want to. I know I belong here, I know this is home, I know these people are my family.
Anyway, enough about my love for JMU. I could go on for days.
I just finished reading "Desire" by John Eldredge. Not totally sure I'm obsessed with everything in this book, but there were several good points made that really stuck in my head and got me thinking. The whole topic of "desire" is something that is extremely relevant in this stage of my life, and something that I think culture views in a very different way than Jesus intended. I do recommend reading this book, if for no other reason than to provoke some interesting introspection into your own heart's desires.
There is a quote in the first chapter that I underlined and starred, and it really resonates with me.
"To desire is to open our hearts to the possibility of pain; to shut down our hearts is to die altogether."
-John Eldredge, "Desire"
Since being back at JMU, this whole idea of guarding my heart has been really prevalent. I'm a control freak, I'll admit that readily. Being vulnerable with my heart has never been something I've enjoyed, and I've always struggled with it a lot. It seems to always follow a pattern: I grow close to people. I slowly start to open up, let them in, share my heart. Something happens, trust is broken, and I'm left feeling exposed and foolish for ever letting my guard down.
"Because of its vulnerable nature, desire begins to feel like our worst enemy."
This book, and recent events in my life, have reminded me that having desires and passions and feelings comes hand in hand with the risk that pain might follow. On the contrary though, if I just shut everyone out and lock my heart up to the world, no growth or life will ever come from it.
"God is a deeply, profoundly passionate person. Zeal consumes him... In other words, his profound desire for something greater sustained him at the moment of his deepest trial. We cannot hope to live like him without a similar depth of passion."
There also is no shortage of awesome people. Walking through campus, there is just this sense of community that you can't escape, nor do I think you'd ever even want to. I know I belong here, I know this is home, I know these people are my family.
Anyway, enough about my love for JMU. I could go on for days.
I just finished reading "Desire" by John Eldredge. Not totally sure I'm obsessed with everything in this book, but there were several good points made that really stuck in my head and got me thinking. The whole topic of "desire" is something that is extremely relevant in this stage of my life, and something that I think culture views in a very different way than Jesus intended. I do recommend reading this book, if for no other reason than to provoke some interesting introspection into your own heart's desires.
There is a quote in the first chapter that I underlined and starred, and it really resonates with me.
"To desire is to open our hearts to the possibility of pain; to shut down our hearts is to die altogether."
-John Eldredge, "Desire"
Since being back at JMU, this whole idea of guarding my heart has been really prevalent. I'm a control freak, I'll admit that readily. Being vulnerable with my heart has never been something I've enjoyed, and I've always struggled with it a lot. It seems to always follow a pattern: I grow close to people. I slowly start to open up, let them in, share my heart. Something happens, trust is broken, and I'm left feeling exposed and foolish for ever letting my guard down.
"Because of its vulnerable nature, desire begins to feel like our worst enemy."
-John Eldredge, "Desire"
This book, and recent events in my life, have reminded me that having desires and passions and feelings comes hand in hand with the risk that pain might follow. On the contrary though, if I just shut everyone out and lock my heart up to the world, no growth or life will ever come from it.
"God is a deeply, profoundly passionate person. Zeal consumes him... In other words, his profound desire for something greater sustained him at the moment of his deepest trial. We cannot hope to live like him without a similar depth of passion."
-John Eldredge, "Desire"
If seeking to live like God is my goal, living a passionate, zealous life is necessary. It's not a bad thing that I care so much, that I feel things so deeply, that I love intensely. But there needs to be a balance between total zealous passion and total exposed vulnerability while seeking after the desires God has placed on my heart, and I'm still trying to figure out exactly what that looks like in the reality of my life.
"To live with desire is to choose vulnerability over self-protection; to admit our desire and seek help beyond ourselves is even more vulnerable. It is an act of trust."
-John Eldredge, "Desire"
My goal for this year is focused on the heart:
Learning to trust that while things in my life seem big, God is bigger. Learning how to guard my heart yet let people in without a fear of vulnerability destroying me. Learning how to have humility and hold back instead of being quick to speak and quick to anger. Learning how to passionately live for Christ and seek after the desires He has set into my heart.
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