the status of my heart.

Being back at JMU makes my heart so happy. Everywhere I go, there's beauty. Sunsets behind the tiers of foggy mountains, big old trees towering over the sunny quad, Wilson Hall standing proudly at one end, seeming so regal and prestigious. There's no shortage of gorgeous places around Harrisonburg.

There also is no shortage of awesome people. Walking through campus, there is just this sense of community that you can't escape, nor do I think you'd ever even want to. I know I belong here, I know this is home, I know these people are my family.

Anyway, enough about my love for JMU. I could go on for days.

I just finished reading "Desire" by John Eldredge. Not totally sure I'm obsessed with everything in this book, but there were several good points made that really stuck in my head and got me thinking. The whole topic of "desire" is something that is extremely relevant in this stage of my life, and something that I think culture views in a very different way than Jesus intended. I do recommend reading this book, if for no other reason than to provoke some interesting introspection into your own heart's desires.

There is a quote in the first chapter that I underlined and starred, and it really resonates with me.

"To desire is to open our hearts to the possibility of pain; to shut down our hearts is to die altogether."
-John Eldredge, "Desire"


Since being back at JMU, this whole idea of guarding my heart has been really prevalent. I'm a control freak, I'll admit that readily. Being vulnerable with my heart has never been something I've enjoyed, and I've always struggled with it a lot. It seems to always follow a pattern: I grow close to people. I slowly start to open up, let them in, share my heart. Something happens, trust is broken, and I'm left feeling exposed and foolish for ever letting my guard down.

"Because of its vulnerable nature, desire begins to feel like our worst enemy."

-John Eldredge, "Desire"

This book, and recent events in my life, have reminded me that having desires and passions and feelings comes hand in hand with the risk that pain might follow. On the contrary though, if I just shut everyone out and lock my heart up to the world, no growth or life will ever come from it.

"God is a deeply, profoundly passionate person. Zeal consumes him... In other words, his profound desire for something greater sustained him at the moment of his deepest trial. We cannot hope to live like him without a similar depth of passion."

-John Eldredge, "Desire"

If seeking to live like God is my goal, living a passionate, zealous life is necessary. It's not a bad thing that I care so much, that I feel things so deeply, that I love intensely. But there needs to be a balance between total zealous passion and total exposed vulnerability while seeking after the desires God has placed on my heart, and I'm still trying to figure out exactly what that looks like in the reality of my life.

"To live with desire is to choose vulnerability over self-protection; to admit our desire and seek help beyond ourselves is even more vulnerable. It is an act of trust."

-John Eldredge, "Desire"

My goal for this year is focused on the heart:

Learning to trust that while things in my life seem big, God is bigger. Learning how to guard my heart yet let people in without a fear of vulnerability destroying me. Learning how to have humility and hold back instead of being quick to speak and quick to anger. Learning how to passionately live for Christ and seek after the desires He has set into my heart.

the path ahead.

Hope has changed my life this summer. Hope Church, that is. The ways God has worked through that place and those people are incredible.

At the last week of The U, a few of us shared a bit of our stories and what beatitude we related the most to, as we had studied one beatitude each week throughout the summer. I went first, and it was awesome getting to just talk about my life and how I've seen God move in it, especially through college and this summer.

When preparing for these little interview sessions, Nicole told us she might ask us "In a year from now, if you were to be back here again, what do you hope to have seen change in your life?" She didn't end up asking me that question in front of the group, but it really got me thinking. A few days after that, I had a conversation with a new friend that I met through The U as well, and he asked me what my answer to that question would be.

So, here's my answer. In a year from now, I hope that I will have sought God wholeheartedly and unashamedly and lived out my life and my faith with a boldness like I've never had before. This past year has been full of such insane growth in my faith, and most specifically in the realization that I truly need community and accountability in my life. Before college, I tried to do everything on my own and didn't want to let anyone in; I didn't want anybody to be able to hurt me like I had been hurt before. But being in IV and my small group shattered that skewed perception I had in my head and showed me that vulnerability and accountability is so precious and leads to such depth and intimacy that then leads you so much closer to the heart of who God truly is.

I want to build on the momentum that's been growing in me this year and take my faith to new heights and new depths. I don't want to just live my life for me, sheltered in my little world. I want God to move mountains through me, to shine a light through me that is powerful and wonderful and that humbles me like never before.

I'm so excited for this year; for the opportunities and experiences I know lie ahead, for being back with my small group and the ways we'll learn and grow together, for just being back on campus, surrounded by believers and strangers and just friends all alike. I'm so ready for God to take my heart and shape it and perfect it and chisel it away to become more like His, in the best of times and the hardest and most challenging of times.

Next summer, I want to look back on my sophomore year and see God so clearly and vividly. I want Rachel to fade away and God to shine brightly. I know God is writing my story; I want him to be the star. I'm just a member of His cast, and I want Him to move powerfully in me and through me this year.


"Jesus calls you to be his intimate ally once more. There are great things to be done and great sacrifices to be made. You won't lose heart if you know what's really going on here, where this Story is headed and what your Lover has promised to you."
-Epic by John Eldredge