People: life with them and without them

This has been a challenging semester. It's been hard to be present here at JMU when I know my time here is ending so soon. I've spent a lot less time with people, and a lot more of my time alone.

Here's what I've been learning about life, people, and community.

I came to JMU after a rough four years of high school, and I was doing my life and my faith all on my own. I didn't want anybody else to get close to me, and I wanted to have control over everything myself. My small group and tiny group and small group leaders opened my eyes and my heart to the incredible power and need for community and accountability, and it was awesome. I grew so much in that-- I was so encouraged by them, so strengthened by their prayers and support and their love.

This year, leading my own small group of freshmen girls, I've again seen the power and the purpose of community in my faith. I've been burned out this semester. Making time for people has seemed near impossible, and I haven't prioritized it at all. I honestly haven't had much time for people, and when I do have time, I make excuses and back out and don't make plans. But every week, meeting up with my girls has made my heart happy. Seeing how they love each other and care for each other and are friends on their own without my co and I facilitating it is so encouraging.

People need people. Nobody is strong enough to go through life alone. I'm not strong enough to go through life alone, even though I try to be.

I've spent the last few weeks since spring break shutting everyone out and reflecting and processing things on my own. It's a time of such great uncertainty and transition in my life and I didn't know how to include people in the confusion of me trying to figure it all out. Shutting the world out and shutting your heart down isn't the right way to do anything. It isn't productive or constructive at all.

Getting lunch with my small group leader this week reminded me how much I really really need people. Why this is something that is so hard for me to really grasp, I'll never know. But it was such a good time of conversation. Such a valuable time of verbally processing what's been happening in my head and my heart, and hearing encouraging and loving feedback in response. Letting your heart be seen by another person is so rewarding, so humbling, and so freeing.

Note to myself: Rachel. Hello. People want to be in your life. Let them be. Cherish the time you have with people face-to-face.

And here's something else I've been realizing about community. At JMU, IV is a wonderful community. We stress it so much. Small groups are the heart of IV, and we're good at them. We're good at fostering groups that love each other and love God and seek to learn and grow together.

Newsflash. IV small groups don't exist in the real world. IV doesn't exist in the real world after graduation.

Yes, there are churches and groups to be a part of and accountability partners and all of that. But I think so many people put the life of their faith on small groups and large group. I took several weeks on my own, away from my small group and not going to large group, because I needed my faith to be my faith apart from those things.

People thought I was being a bad Christian, a bad small group member, a bad leader, a bad person. And at first, I felt like I was failing in all of those roles. But I soon realized that I wasn't failing. I was making my faith my own. I was focusing on my relationship with God outside of the groups of people that I'm a part of.

And that's a good thing.

If my faith only thrives because I'm going to small group and going to large group, what kind of faith is that? Yeah, it goes against the flow to remove yourself from those things. But sometimes, it's necessary. It doesn't mean you've failed. There's such a standard that we put on ourselves as IV members or leaders, and I don't like it, to be honest.

Let's be genuine lovers of Christ. Let's be genuine followers of where the Spirit is leading. Let's be genuine believers and disciples and children of God. If that means looking different than the rest of the world (or even the rest of the IV community), let's embrace that. God is doing something different in every heart. We aren't supposed to all look the same.

Yes, we need people. Yes, we need community. Yes, we need accountability. But even Jesus took time away from the hectic chaos and away from the crowds and even away from his closest friends and followers and his disciples. He knew time with his Father in silence and solitude was beautiful and necessary. He modeled this for us so clearly.

Just skim through the book of Matthew (for example). Look at every story of Jesus teaching or performing miracles. Look at the repetition at the beginning of so many of the passages. "Jesus withdrew." "Jesus went from there." "Jesus withdrew to a solitary place." "He went up on a mountainside by himself to pray." It goes on and on.

Withdrawing, being alone, finding solitude, praying in silence...it's important. Jesus showed us that time and time again. He needed time alone with his Father to be able to face the demands of the people. He loved being with them, he loved teaching them and healing them and pouring into them. But he needed to be alone at times, too.

Thank you, Jesus, for showing us that it's okay, and that it's GOOD, to spend time away from the craziness of life. Let us rest at Your feet just as much as we are out in the world on our feet.

Shutting everyone out and shutting down isn't what Jesus did. Yes, it's what I did for the past few weeks. But more and more, I've been realizing what I need in my life.

Balance.

I need people, and I need community. I need to spend time sharing my life with others, and hearing their stories too. I need vulnerability and accountability and closeness. And I need to make the time I have at JMU with all these wonderful people count.

And I need solitude. I need time alone.  God knows my introverted spirit needs time by myself to recharge. I need time alone with my Father, time alone in prayer, in silence, in reflection, in worship.

I need time in the awesome IV community I have here at JMU, and I also need time apart from it. It won't last forever, and the transition to the real world is coming soon. But I'm here now, and I want to be fully here now-- with people, and alone.

Adventure-seeker.

I want to go on adventures. It's been so constant on my mind lately and it's coming from a place so deeply rooted within me that I just can't shake it.

I want to explore. I want to get out of the bubble I know I live in and see what's around me. I don't want to spend my last few months in this little college town just sitting around wasting my days away-- I want to be out there seeing what I can see and doing all that I can do.

I want to take risks and take chances and try new things and not be afraid of what could happen. I want to step into the unknown and embrace it and grow.

I want to be challenged and stretched beyond where I've become comfortable. I want to think in ways I've never thought and seek to find answers and truth I can wholeheartedly believe in.

I want to let go of my control and give up the reins and just trust.

I want to embrace the new, embrace the change, and be excited about it all.

I'm ready, let's adventure.





i want to be a feather in the wind—free and easy, blowing breezy. i want to be a burst of light, a vivid midsummer explosion. i want to be a steady burning flame on a crisp autumn night, calm and strong. i want to be a bird’s sweet melody, echoing earth’s constant harmony. i want to be the cool dusty scent of rain—new life, no old dirt. i want to be the fiery sunset sky’s streaks, bold and beautiful. i want to be the stillness of an ink black night, the scattered glittering subtle stars. i want to be the new buds, the life bursting from once-closed leaf cocoons. i want to be.

NSR- Take two.

NSR (New Student Retreat). It's a weekend retreat an hour away from JMU in the middle of nowhere in the mountains, it takes place about a month into your freshman year, and you go with your small groups that you really hardly know.

DOE bridge pose!

DOE piggybacks

DOE "FOR NARNIAAAAA"

Flashback to my freshman year. I went to the first IV Large Group with a friend who knew upperclassmen who were on exec. I signed up for a small group, and subsequently signed up for NSR a few weeks later. The girls in my small group seemed nice, but I had SO MANY guards built up, I had been hurt so much by so-called friends and past youth groups. I knew that I so desperately needed community, but I was so actively fighting it with all I had. I didn't want to share my story. I didn't want to let these girls in. I didn't want to be hurt again.

NSR was rough. I stayed glued to one girl's side, and everyone saw us as a clique and didn't really talk to us. I almost liked it, because it gave me a reason to feel entitled to keep my guards up. I loved worship, I loved CJ's talks, I loved being out at Highland Retreat Center. But I did not at all want to talk to these girls or share anything about myself with them. So I didn't. Our leaders (Anna and Vianne, you guys are awesome) tried so hard to get us all to talk and share, but it just was not happening. They had to call me out to get me to talk, and it just pissed me off even more. "If I wanted to talk, I would have talked," I kept thinking. I just kept on building up my walls even higher, keeping them out more and more.

Now flash forward to this year. I've grown SO MUCH in the past two years, I've shared my testimony and my life with the girls in my small group, and we've become a community, best friends, and family. I could never picture my life without those girls by my side through everything- God has moved mountains in my life through that support system and group. And now I'm leading my own group of freshman girls.

I was so anxious about this NSR weekend. I didn't want it to be like my experience was. I wanted to be excited about it, present in it, and open to what God had in store. Well, He blew me away. Not all of our girls could come, but we had an awesome group of 6 girls there with Stephie and I. We laughed, we were goofy, we sang a LOT of One Direction to practice for our freshman parody skit, we ate a lot, we had lots of inside jokes, and we got more real with each other.

The talks were awesome, as they always are. The worship was powerful. And our small group time was so much more than I ever expected. Getting to see the hearts of our girls and to start to deepen our relationships was so incredible. I never expected to be so overcome with emotions that I would cry...I'm really not a crier. I just was so in awe of what God was doing, of how present He was in the weekend, and of what He was reminding me of throughout it all.

our new bridge pose :)

piggybacks

Our inside joke pose ;)

God is so sovereign, so in control of everything I stress over and worry about. He has it, and He can do more with it than I could ever dream of. And He did. I'm so thankful for this weekend. I'm thankful for the girls I get to hang out with and get to know and lead. I'm thankful for a co-leader who is just awesome. I'm thankful that God loves me like He does, in such an overwhelming and unending way. I'm thankful that He equips me daily with everything I need, and that He covers me with grace that I can't understand.

Small groups rock. I'm so unbelievably blessed and in awe that I get to lead one. God is awesome. NSR is the best. The end.

An end and a beginning

Today, I wrote on the last page of my journal. I started this one on January 29 of this year, and it's now full on July 2. It's full of prayers, the aches of my heart, the joys of my spirit, the daily goings-on of my life, and it's full of God's faithfulness.

They're words on a page. It's a simple journal. It's lined pages with black ink.

But it's more. It's God showing up, time and time again, in every season, in every fickle mood of my soul. It's answered prayers and ones that are still at work. It's not just my story- it's His. It's life alongside the Creator of life, my tiny steps attempting to follow the bigger footprints of the One who is leading me through my days.

It's my small group going through Ephesians and being radically transformed and brought to life "because of his great love," "by grace," "to show incomparable riches," "to do good works." It's prayer requests of the girls who weren't just a small group, but my family and my community. It's worry about upcoming knee surgeries and struggles through the pain of rehabilitation and healing. It's prayers for those in my life who don't know You. It's large group messages and teachings from those wiser than I. It's wrapping my head around what Sabbath truly means- to pray, and to play. It's living Sabbaths out every week and seeing God meet me in those days when I focused solely on Him. It's a verse a day, diving in to the truths of God's word and what it means in my life. It's confusion. It's doubt. It's realizing I have a story. It's reflections on trips back to Arizona and all that came with that wonderful week. It's Hope Church and messages that challenge and encourage me and open my eyes. It's surrender. It's leading small group and experiencing the challenge and joy of teaching the Word. It's Draw Near and daily quiet times alongside hundreds of other believers. It's learning how to love my family better. It's Easter and celebrating new life and that beautiful exchange. It's understanding the roles of husbands and wives and what women and men were created to be in godly relationships. It's learning I would be a small group leader and finding God's calling for me in that. It's trusting. It's grasping the "richness of true life and freedom from this life." It's listing who my Abba says I am and letting those sweet promises wash over me. It's looking back at how God was faithful to my small group's vision of growing in identity and intimacy. It's Chapter Camp and deepening my understanding of the book of Mark and how to lead. It's the start of a new relationship and thanking God for all that it brought to my life. It's coming to London. It's love for this city and a passion for its people. It's learning how to be patient and extend grace more freely. It's learning humility. It's being broken and being revived.  And it's not over yet.

Here's to the next journal, to the next days and weeks and months of God at work in me, and pages that tell the story of His power and grace and love.

Here and now and looking ahead

Freshman year. 2010. It was a gross rainy day, and I moved in to my first dorm room in McGraw Long Hall here at JMU.

End of sophomore year. 2012. It was a cold rainy day, and I moved out of my last dorm room in Huffman Hall.

It's funny how things like that repeat themselves, but it's even more comforting to know that  God is working it all out perfectly, orchestrating things in the magnificent way that only He can. It always comes back to Him, it comes back to His will and His way.

So much has changed in these past two years living on campus and going to classes and being involved in InterVarsity, I can't even express it all. As this year comes to a close, we're all reflecting a lot on where we are now and where we came from and what's still yet to come, and it's honestly just blowing my mind.

God is so real. He's so perfect and glorious and incredible, He sees the whole big picture yet works in the details, He loves me when I fight against Him and when I seek Him with everything. I can't even comprehend how much I've changed since my first day of college, and how none of it was because of me at all, but all because He loves me and never gives up on me.

I was broken. Now I'm being restored in Him.
I was lost. Now I'm found in Him.
I wanted control. Now I surrender more freely.
I was seeking. Now I'm finding.
I was empty. Now I'm full of life and the One who gives it.
I was wandering. Now I'm walking in trust and faith alongside my Creator.
I was alone. Now I'm surrounded by a family of sisters in Christ that blow my mind daily.
I was unsure. Now I stand in confidence that He has plans for me.

God never stops working. He will never just think I'm good enough and there's no more to be done. He will never give up on me, no matter how many times I fail and stumble and fall down on my face. He never stops changing me and growing me and opening my eyes to more of who He is and what that means for who I am. It's been two years of more growth and maturation than I ever could have imagined, and there will only be more until He calls me home. And I'm seriously STOKED about that! My God is so good and all I am or do is for His glory.

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." -Psalm 9:10

The knee update.

The road hasn't been so easy lately. Everything going on with my knee has taken a serious toll on my happiness and has really made things difficult. More and more, I'm being reminded that I'm not in control, and I just need to trust in God's timing. And more and more, I'm realizing how ridiculously hard that can be.

Knowing my surgeon appointment was coming up earlier this week, I really just had to surrender it all to Him and trust that His will would be done through my doctors. The news was different than we expected...there's a whole new problem in my knee that needs to be fixed through this upcoming surgery, totally different from what the last two surgeries were working to fix (although that problem isn't 100% either). All things considered, it really is working out very well. I don't have to cancel my trip to Arizona for spring break (YAY!) and I think I can still work out studying abroad in London this summer. But it does mean missing school and a lot of work, which is stressful. I feel really overwhelmed by the whole idea, but I know that it's what's best for my knee longterm, and I'm going to do everything I can with my work and my professors to make things work out.



"But Christ is faithful as a son over God's house. And we are his house, if we hold on to our courage and the hope of which we boast." -Hebrews 3:6

I know that He will be faithful to me and not abandon me or lead me into harm. Surgery isn't fun and it isn't easy, but I know I'm surrounded by the most incredible family and friends that will be there by my side every step of the way, loving me and supporting me. God's plans for me are plans to prosper me and not to harm me, and I'm clinging to that through all of this. I'm trying my hardest to trust in His will, and His way, always.

I'm praying for my surgeon and his wisdom to be able to help my knee in the best ways possible, and that hopefully this surgery will last longer than the last ones have. I'm praying that I would find peace and refuge in the Lord when anxiety crashes down on me and tries to steal my joy. I'm praying that God would show me how to trust him through this, love him through this, and praise him through this.

the beauty of letting go.

I've been just sitting on my bed, staring off into space for the past half hour or so. There are tons of things I really should be doing, but here I am, just looking around my room at things I've seen millions of times.


As I look around, I see a lot of red, black, and white. When we moved into this house, I decided that would be my color scheme. A neutral tan color on the walls, red comforter, and black and white accents. I even took this so far as to only put up black and white pictures around my room.


When I was getting ready to move into my dorm at JMU last fall, my roommate and I decided we should discuss our room and what ideas we had so that things would match, etc. We also decided on a color scheme. Black and aqua. Believe me, almost everything I bought was one of these two colors.


Now that I'm sitting here just letting my mind wander, I'm realizing that this can be a kind of crazy and probably far fetched, yet still legitimate, metaphor for my life as a whole.


I start off with a plan. It's detailed and specific and includes every little minuscule component. It's well thought out and I'm confident in it. It feels right, it feels like me....but then time goes by. And I start to get bored. I start to see things in stores that I wish I had bought for my room instead of just the things in my color scheme. I start to envy the way other people put things together. I start to doubt my whole plan completely.


And then, I start to realize my plan maybe wasn't the most perfect plan after all. Yes, I had planned it out quite well, but I never asked for other inputs, I never considered other options, I never just let my room come together over time, believing that it would all work out if I just let go and let it. I was so set on the plan I had made for myself that I didn't even see that there were other, more amazing ideas and plans out there that I would have discovered if I had just had faith that it would all come together.


And now, I'm realizing how true this is of my character when it comes to God. I have my plan. My colors all match. But I realize that there's probably a much better plan waiting for me if I just give up my need for control. There's more to me than just three colors that I think I like. There's more to life than just the things I think I'm good at. There's more to God's plan for me than just my plans for myself.


Letting go and letting God leads to a much fuller, vibrant, beautiful, and eclectic life than the one my control-hungry self could ever dream of. This summer has been such a time of growth for me, and I've realized that giving up my plans and completely surrendering is so freeing and amazing. Yeah, it's scary. Accepting that God's plan may be absolutely nothing like what you had in mind isn't the easiest idea to come to terms with, but I know His plans are to prosper me, not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and future.


"There is hope, for me yet, because God won't forget, all the plans He's made for me
I have to wait and see, He's not finished with me yet, He's not finished with me yet..."

-Brandon Heath "Wait and See"

I'm so, so excited to see what's next in the story God has written for me, and it's more than worth it to let go of my own plans to let His reign in my life.