It has been building up in me for a while: a need for solitude. A need for aloneness. A need to disconnect. A need to then reconnect.
Wednesday night, I decided to take the leap. I called Kyle and tried (and probably failed) to explain why I needed to cut off all communication with him for a while. I logged out of Facebook and Twitter on my phone and my laptop and turned the self-control app on for as long as it would let me. I cancelled lunch and dinner dates and didn't schedule any new ones. I didn't make any plans. I was going to do this all or nothing.
It might sound petty or stupid or like a really dramatic and unnecessary idea, but I knew I needed it. I knew the Spirit was leading me to just take a step back from things that had been consuming my time and energy so I could focus on what He was doing in my heart. So, I trusted, and I did it.
It was NOT easy. Let me tell you. I'm an introvert, and I always love my alone time. This time, though, being alone with myself meant really being focused on my heart and my emotions and what God was speaking into me, and it was intimidating. I didn't have distractions of checking Twitter or texting Kyle or just being absorbed in my phone. I really just had myself and God and a lot of thoughts in my head, and it was a little scary.
Thursday I was reluctant. I lingered where people were. I stayed in the kitchen with my housemates instead of just going to my room and being alone. I didn't know if I wanted to know what I was going learn from this time. I was just so hesitant to really embrace this period of time.
Thursday I was refreshed. I noticed little things around me. I looked at the faces of people I passed instead of looking at my phone like usual. I looked at the sky and the ground and I just observed. It was refreshing to not have to worry about keeping connected with other people.
Thursday I was present.
Thursday I was really, truly, alone. I shut everything and everyone out. I made a new playlist of calming worship songs that I love. I lit all the candles in my room. I listened. I wrote. I sat. I thought. I prayed. I cried. I worshipped. I wondered. I struggled. I wrestled.
Friday I was reminded. It was a beautiful morning, and I was so overwhelmed by God's love for me. I saw it in everything around me. I felt a real, tangible sense of a beautiful and powerful love that only my Abba could provide. I was so content, so at peace, so rested.
Friday I was craving. The words of 1 Peter 2:2 kept ringing in my ears- I was like that newborn baby, CRAVING more. I had tasted the pure goodness of my Father and I was so hungry for more. I was so engaged and tuned in to what the Spirit was pouring into me, and I wanted so much more. I was so encouraged.
Saturday I was uplifted. Spending the whole day with my family was wonderful. It was a day full of fun adventures- farmers markets and book fairs and football games and meals. It was fun and simple and easy and just perfect. Being with them reminds me of everything I am. They have always known me and always loved me. I'm the realest form of myself when I'm with them, and it always refreshes me and encourages me. They're my best friends and favorite people in this whole world, and they just make my heart happy.
Saturday I was content. I've learned a lot. I've struggled. I've grown. I've been so reminded of the basics, of what's important, of what my Father says I am, of how He loves me perfectly. I needed time away from things, but I'm so ready to step forward and re-engage with people and my passions in a more confident and committed way. No more apathy for this girl. I feel so refreshed and restored and ready for what He has ahead of me.
Having to depend so fully on the Word and my time with the Lord over the past few days because there was nothing else to turn to reminded me that He truly is the giver of life as it's meant to be lived. Apart from him, I'll never feel fulfilled or alive or restored. I'm restless until I rest in Him, and that has never been more true than now. Resting in Him restored me in ways I didn't know I needed restoration. And it feels good. Really good. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Abba.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
NSR- Take two.
NSR (New Student Retreat). It's a weekend retreat an hour away from JMU in the middle of nowhere in the mountains, it takes place about a month into your freshman year, and you go with your small groups that you really hardly know.
Flashback to my freshman year. I went to the first IV Large Group with a friend who knew upperclassmen who were on exec. I signed up for a small group, and subsequently signed up for NSR a few weeks later. The girls in my small group seemed nice, but I had SO MANY guards built up, I had been hurt so much by so-called friends and past youth groups. I knew that I so desperately needed community, but I was so actively fighting it with all I had. I didn't want to share my story. I didn't want to let these girls in. I didn't want to be hurt again.
NSR was rough. I stayed glued to one girl's side, and everyone saw us as a clique and didn't really talk to us. I almost liked it, because it gave me a reason to feel entitled to keep my guards up. I loved worship, I loved CJ's talks, I loved being out at Highland Retreat Center. But I did not at all want to talk to these girls or share anything about myself with them. So I didn't. Our leaders (Anna and Vianne, you guys are awesome) tried so hard to get us all to talk and share, but it just was not happening. They had to call me out to get me to talk, and it just pissed me off even more. "If I wanted to talk, I would have talked," I kept thinking. I just kept on building up my walls even higher, keeping them out more and more.
Now flash forward to this year. I've grown SO MUCH in the past two years, I've shared my testimony and my life with the girls in my small group, and we've become a community, best friends, and family. I could never picture my life without those girls by my side through everything- God has moved mountains in my life through that support system and group. And now I'm leading my own group of freshman girls.
I was so anxious about this NSR weekend. I didn't want it to be like my experience was. I wanted to be excited about it, present in it, and open to what God had in store. Well, He blew me away. Not all of our girls could come, but we had an awesome group of 6 girls there with Stephie and I. We laughed, we were goofy, we sang a LOT of One Direction to practice for our freshman parody skit, we ate a lot, we had lots of inside jokes, and we got more real with each other.
The talks were awesome, as they always are. The worship was powerful. And our small group time was so much more than I ever expected. Getting to see the hearts of our girls and to start to deepen our relationships was so incredible. I never expected to be so overcome with emotions that I would cry...I'm really not a crier. I just was so in awe of what God was doing, of how present He was in the weekend, and of what He was reminding me of throughout it all.
God is so sovereign, so in control of everything I stress over and worry about. He has it, and He can do more with it than I could ever dream of. And He did. I'm so thankful for this weekend. I'm thankful for the girls I get to hang out with and get to know and lead. I'm thankful for a co-leader who is just awesome. I'm thankful that God loves me like He does, in such an overwhelming and unending way. I'm thankful that He equips me daily with everything I need, and that He covers me with grace that I can't understand.
Small groups rock. I'm so unbelievably blessed and in awe that I get to lead one. God is awesome. NSR is the best. The end.
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| DOE bridge pose! |
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| DOE piggybacks |
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| DOE "FOR NARNIAAAAA" |
Flashback to my freshman year. I went to the first IV Large Group with a friend who knew upperclassmen who were on exec. I signed up for a small group, and subsequently signed up for NSR a few weeks later. The girls in my small group seemed nice, but I had SO MANY guards built up, I had been hurt so much by so-called friends and past youth groups. I knew that I so desperately needed community, but I was so actively fighting it with all I had. I didn't want to share my story. I didn't want to let these girls in. I didn't want to be hurt again.
NSR was rough. I stayed glued to one girl's side, and everyone saw us as a clique and didn't really talk to us. I almost liked it, because it gave me a reason to feel entitled to keep my guards up. I loved worship, I loved CJ's talks, I loved being out at Highland Retreat Center. But I did not at all want to talk to these girls or share anything about myself with them. So I didn't. Our leaders (Anna and Vianne, you guys are awesome) tried so hard to get us all to talk and share, but it just was not happening. They had to call me out to get me to talk, and it just pissed me off even more. "If I wanted to talk, I would have talked," I kept thinking. I just kept on building up my walls even higher, keeping them out more and more.
Now flash forward to this year. I've grown SO MUCH in the past two years, I've shared my testimony and my life with the girls in my small group, and we've become a community, best friends, and family. I could never picture my life without those girls by my side through everything- God has moved mountains in my life through that support system and group. And now I'm leading my own group of freshman girls.
I was so anxious about this NSR weekend. I didn't want it to be like my experience was. I wanted to be excited about it, present in it, and open to what God had in store. Well, He blew me away. Not all of our girls could come, but we had an awesome group of 6 girls there with Stephie and I. We laughed, we were goofy, we sang a LOT of One Direction to practice for our freshman parody skit, we ate a lot, we had lots of inside jokes, and we got more real with each other.
The talks were awesome, as they always are. The worship was powerful. And our small group time was so much more than I ever expected. Getting to see the hearts of our girls and to start to deepen our relationships was so incredible. I never expected to be so overcome with emotions that I would cry...I'm really not a crier. I just was so in awe of what God was doing, of how present He was in the weekend, and of what He was reminding me of throughout it all.
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| our new bridge pose :) |
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| piggybacks |
 |
| Our inside joke pose ;) |
God is so sovereign, so in control of everything I stress over and worry about. He has it, and He can do more with it than I could ever dream of. And He did. I'm so thankful for this weekend. I'm thankful for the girls I get to hang out with and get to know and lead. I'm thankful for a co-leader who is just awesome. I'm thankful that God loves me like He does, in such an overwhelming and unending way. I'm thankful that He equips me daily with everything I need, and that He covers me with grace that I can't understand.
Small groups rock. I'm so unbelievably blessed and in awe that I get to lead one. God is awesome. NSR is the best. The end.
Monday, July 2, 2012
An end and a beginning
Today, I wrote on the last page of my journal. I started this one on January 29 of this year, and it's now full on July 2. It's full of prayers, the aches of my heart, the joys of my spirit, the daily goings-on of my life, and it's full of God's faithfulness.
They're words on a page. It's a simple journal. It's lined pages with black ink.
But it's more. It's God showing up, time and time again, in every season, in every fickle mood of my soul. It's answered prayers and ones that are still at work. It's not just my story- it's His. It's life alongside the Creator of life, my tiny steps attempting to follow the bigger footprints of the One who is leading me through my days.
It's my small group going through Ephesians and being radically transformed and brought to life "because of his great love," "by grace," "to show incomparable riches," "to do good works." It's prayer requests of the girls who weren't just a small group, but my family and my community. It's worry about upcoming knee surgeries and struggles through the pain of rehabilitation and healing. It's prayers for those in my life who don't know You. It's large group messages and teachings from those wiser than I. It's wrapping my head around what Sabbath truly means- to pray, and to play. It's living Sabbaths out every week and seeing God meet me in those days when I focused solely on Him. It's a verse a day, diving in to the truths of God's word and what it means in my life. It's confusion. It's doubt. It's realizing I have a story. It's reflections on trips back to Arizona and all that came with that wonderful week. It's Hope Church and messages that challenge and encourage me and open my eyes. It's surrender. It's leading small group and experiencing the challenge and joy of teaching the Word. It's Draw Near and daily quiet times alongside hundreds of other believers. It's learning how to love my family better. It's Easter and celebrating new life and that beautiful exchange. It's understanding the roles of husbands and wives and what women and men were created to be in godly relationships. It's learning I would be a small group leader and finding God's calling for me in that. It's trusting. It's grasping the "richness of true life and freedom from this life." It's listing who my Abba says I am and letting those sweet promises wash over me. It's looking back at how God was faithful to my small group's vision of growing in identity and intimacy. It's Chapter Camp and deepening my understanding of the book of Mark and how to lead. It's the start of a new relationship and thanking God for all that it brought to my life. It's coming to London. It's love for this city and a passion for its people. It's learning how to be patient and extend grace more freely. It's learning humility. It's being broken and being revived. And it's not over yet.
Here's to the next journal, to the next days and weeks and months of God at work in me, and pages that tell the story of His power and grace and love.
They're words on a page. It's a simple journal. It's lined pages with black ink.
But it's more. It's God showing up, time and time again, in every season, in every fickle mood of my soul. It's answered prayers and ones that are still at work. It's not just my story- it's His. It's life alongside the Creator of life, my tiny steps attempting to follow the bigger footprints of the One who is leading me through my days.
It's my small group going through Ephesians and being radically transformed and brought to life "because of his great love," "by grace," "to show incomparable riches," "to do good works." It's prayer requests of the girls who weren't just a small group, but my family and my community. It's worry about upcoming knee surgeries and struggles through the pain of rehabilitation and healing. It's prayers for those in my life who don't know You. It's large group messages and teachings from those wiser than I. It's wrapping my head around what Sabbath truly means- to pray, and to play. It's living Sabbaths out every week and seeing God meet me in those days when I focused solely on Him. It's a verse a day, diving in to the truths of God's word and what it means in my life. It's confusion. It's doubt. It's realizing I have a story. It's reflections on trips back to Arizona and all that came with that wonderful week. It's Hope Church and messages that challenge and encourage me and open my eyes. It's surrender. It's leading small group and experiencing the challenge and joy of teaching the Word. It's Draw Near and daily quiet times alongside hundreds of other believers. It's learning how to love my family better. It's Easter and celebrating new life and that beautiful exchange. It's understanding the roles of husbands and wives and what women and men were created to be in godly relationships. It's learning I would be a small group leader and finding God's calling for me in that. It's trusting. It's grasping the "richness of true life and freedom from this life." It's listing who my Abba says I am and letting those sweet promises wash over me. It's looking back at how God was faithful to my small group's vision of growing in identity and intimacy. It's Chapter Camp and deepening my understanding of the book of Mark and how to lead. It's the start of a new relationship and thanking God for all that it brought to my life. It's coming to London. It's love for this city and a passion for its people. It's learning how to be patient and extend grace more freely. It's learning humility. It's being broken and being revived. And it's not over yet.
Here's to the next journal, to the next days and weeks and months of God at work in me, and pages that tell the story of His power and grace and love.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Define: my knee
Sometimes I feel like I'm defined by my knee. It's always the first thing people ask about, it's always on my mind and causing me pain, my life is scheduled around doctors appointments and physical therapy. Surgery last week put me back out of the normal swing of things and kept me in Richmond instead of letting me go back to JMU when everyone else did. I've spent a week on the couch, needing my family to help me with just about everything, as I can't walk or get things for myself.
I've been totally dependent, and I've learned a lot from it. I've learned how much my family loves me and how blessed I am to have parents that sacrifice so much for me and my health. They've had to miss work and listen to me cry and whine and pay crazy bills and get me water and my medicine countless times when I'm sure they didn't want to get up and get it, and they've loved me through all of it. I can't express my gratitude to them enough for all they've done for me and will continue to do for me as I continue on this healing process.
I've learned that I have seriously awesome friends. It would be really easy for people to forget about me- they're busy with their lives back in AZ or at JMU, and I'm totally out of sight. But I haven't been out of their minds and hearts, and I've felt that loud and strong from them. They've sent encouraging texts, written on my Facebook wall, checked up on me, a bunch of my best friends even drove down from JMU for the day just to hang out with me and bring me cards and goodies. They TOTALLY did not need to make that drive just for a few hours hanging out in my family room, but it meant the world to me that they would do it just to be with me. I'm so blessed.
I've learned that when I'm weak, it makes God even more strong. I don't have to have it all together to come before Him and worship. He doesn't love me any less or view me as any less of a person of any less value, even though those thoughts love to seep in to my heart and bring me down. I'm still the daughter He created, and He still loves me as I am, completely and unconditionally. Nothing, not even this injury that won't seem to go away, will make me any less to Him. There's such humility and comfort and beauty and just peace for me in that promise.
So, I'm still healing. I'm still far from where I want to be. I know the road ahead of me is going to be so physically challenging and demanding, and I know that even at the end of the recovery from this surgery, there are probably many more ahead. But I'm choosing to stay optimistic, push myself, and know that I'm blessed and this is just a part of my story. My knee doesn't define all of who I am. It's just one part of me. The broken things don't define me. I'm focusing on the positives and the joy and how God is using this to refine me and grow me in so many new ways. I'm going to get through this and be so much stronger as a result, in more ways than one.
I've been totally dependent, and I've learned a lot from it. I've learned how much my family loves me and how blessed I am to have parents that sacrifice so much for me and my health. They've had to miss work and listen to me cry and whine and pay crazy bills and get me water and my medicine countless times when I'm sure they didn't want to get up and get it, and they've loved me through all of it. I can't express my gratitude to them enough for all they've done for me and will continue to do for me as I continue on this healing process.
I've learned that I have seriously awesome friends. It would be really easy for people to forget about me- they're busy with their lives back in AZ or at JMU, and I'm totally out of sight. But I haven't been out of their minds and hearts, and I've felt that loud and strong from them. They've sent encouraging texts, written on my Facebook wall, checked up on me, a bunch of my best friends even drove down from JMU for the day just to hang out with me and bring me cards and goodies. They TOTALLY did not need to make that drive just for a few hours hanging out in my family room, but it meant the world to me that they would do it just to be with me. I'm so blessed.
I've learned that when I'm weak, it makes God even more strong. I don't have to have it all together to come before Him and worship. He doesn't love me any less or view me as any less of a person of any less value, even though those thoughts love to seep in to my heart and bring me down. I'm still the daughter He created, and He still loves me as I am, completely and unconditionally. Nothing, not even this injury that won't seem to go away, will make me any less to Him. There's such humility and comfort and beauty and just peace for me in that promise.
So, I'm still healing. I'm still far from where I want to be. I know the road ahead of me is going to be so physically challenging and demanding, and I know that even at the end of the recovery from this surgery, there are probably many more ahead. But I'm choosing to stay optimistic, push myself, and know that I'm blessed and this is just a part of my story. My knee doesn't define all of who I am. It's just one part of me. The broken things don't define me. I'm focusing on the positives and the joy and how God is using this to refine me and grow me in so many new ways. I'm going to get through this and be so much stronger as a result, in more ways than one.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
The knee update.
The road hasn't been so easy lately. Everything going on with my knee has taken a serious toll on my happiness and has really made things difficult. More and more, I'm being reminded that I'm not in control, and I just need to trust in God's timing. And more and more, I'm realizing how ridiculously hard that can be.
Knowing my surgeon appointment was coming up earlier this week, I really just had to surrender it all to Him and trust that His will would be done through my doctors. The news was different than we expected...there's a whole new problem in my knee that needs to be fixed through this upcoming surgery, totally different from what the last two surgeries were working to fix (although that problem isn't 100% either). All things considered, it really is working out very well. I don't have to cancel my trip to Arizona for spring break (YAY!) and I think I can still work out studying abroad in London this summer. But it does mean missing school and a lot of work, which is stressful. I feel really overwhelmed by the whole idea, but I know that it's what's best for my knee longterm, and I'm going to do everything I can with my work and my professors to make things work out.
"But Christ is faithful as a son over God's house. And we are his house, if we hold on to our courage and the hope of which we boast." -Hebrews 3:6
I know that He will be faithful to me and not abandon me or lead me into harm. Surgery isn't fun and it isn't easy, but I know I'm surrounded by the most incredible family and friends that will be there by my side every step of the way, loving me and supporting me. God's plans for me are plans to prosper me and not to harm me, and I'm clinging to that through all of this. I'm trying my hardest to trust in His will, and His way, always.
I'm praying for my surgeon and his wisdom to be able to help my knee in the best ways possible, and that hopefully this surgery will last longer than the last ones have. I'm praying that I would find peace and refuge in the Lord when anxiety crashes down on me and tries to steal my joy. I'm praying that God would show me how to trust him through this, love him through this, and praise him through this.
Knowing my surgeon appointment was coming up earlier this week, I really just had to surrender it all to Him and trust that His will would be done through my doctors. The news was different than we expected...there's a whole new problem in my knee that needs to be fixed through this upcoming surgery, totally different from what the last two surgeries were working to fix (although that problem isn't 100% either). All things considered, it really is working out very well. I don't have to cancel my trip to Arizona for spring break (YAY!) and I think I can still work out studying abroad in London this summer. But it does mean missing school and a lot of work, which is stressful. I feel really overwhelmed by the whole idea, but I know that it's what's best for my knee longterm, and I'm going to do everything I can with my work and my professors to make things work out.
"But Christ is faithful as a son over God's house. And we are his house, if we hold on to our courage and the hope of which we boast." -Hebrews 3:6
I know that He will be faithful to me and not abandon me or lead me into harm. Surgery isn't fun and it isn't easy, but I know I'm surrounded by the most incredible family and friends that will be there by my side every step of the way, loving me and supporting me. God's plans for me are plans to prosper me and not to harm me, and I'm clinging to that through all of this. I'm trying my hardest to trust in His will, and His way, always.
I'm praying for my surgeon and his wisdom to be able to help my knee in the best ways possible, and that hopefully this surgery will last longer than the last ones have. I'm praying that I would find peace and refuge in the Lord when anxiety crashes down on me and tries to steal my joy. I'm praying that God would show me how to trust him through this, love him through this, and praise him through this.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
the things i've learned this summer.
I'm a big fan of lists, so here's one about lessons learned this summer as I look ahead to one more month of summer before going back to school!
1. Pursuing God with my whole heart and surrendering to Him is the most freeing and exciting way to live.
2. Family is everything. They're my foundation, my solid ground, my biggest fans, my best friends, and my favorite people in the world. I've loved getting to know them in such a new way this summer after a year away from home; they're the most amazing people I know and I have such a newfound love and respect for them.
3. Working as though for God and not for man is extremely humbling and motivating.
4. The city of Richmond is an awesome place. Glen Allen...not so much. But I honestly already knew this.
5. I'm crazy about my small group. I never realized how much I just love seeing those girls every week and diving into the Word with them. I crave time with them much more now that I haven't had it in a few months.
6. Hope Church is an incredible place for fellowship and community. The U at Hope has been the best thing to happen to me this summer- having such an awesome group of people to meet with every week has kept me passionate and excited about my faith and about people.
7. God is an amazing source of refuge, strength, and confidence. Knowing I'm in His arms and in His heart is the most comforting thing. Nobody can truly harm me when I have Him surrounding me.
8. The Beatitudes are powerful. Extremely powerful. Study them, and I mean REALLY study them. Your life will forever be changed.
9. When I let go and let God, awesome things happen.
10. I don't need a boyfriend to be happy, to be strong, or to feel loved.
1. Pursuing God with my whole heart and surrendering to Him is the most freeing and exciting way to live.
2. Family is everything. They're my foundation, my solid ground, my biggest fans, my best friends, and my favorite people in the world. I've loved getting to know them in such a new way this summer after a year away from home; they're the most amazing people I know and I have such a newfound love and respect for them.
3. Working as though for God and not for man is extremely humbling and motivating.
4. The city of Richmond is an awesome place. Glen Allen...not so much. But I honestly already knew this.
5. I'm crazy about my small group. I never realized how much I just love seeing those girls every week and diving into the Word with them. I crave time with them much more now that I haven't had it in a few months.
6. Hope Church is an incredible place for fellowship and community. The U at Hope has been the best thing to happen to me this summer- having such an awesome group of people to meet with every week has kept me passionate and excited about my faith and about people.
7. God is an amazing source of refuge, strength, and confidence. Knowing I'm in His arms and in His heart is the most comforting thing. Nobody can truly harm me when I have Him surrounding me.
8. The Beatitudes are powerful. Extremely powerful. Study them, and I mean REALLY study them. Your life will forever be changed.
9. When I let go and let God, awesome things happen.
10. I don't need a boyfriend to be happy, to be strong, or to feel loved.
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